Lent, Spring, and preparing for the RSCC

Last weekend, a friend of mine preached at my internship congregation, and at the end, she charged us with looking at Lent as an opportunity to reflect and act on our interdependence with all of creation. I was raised Catholic, and I actually really loved Lent and the rituals around it. One of the reasons is probably that I didn't feel that I answered to God, but to my parents. One year I gave up TV for Lent, and On Golden Pond was being shown, and I was able to negotiate an extension of Lent by a day in order to watch it.

But now there is no negotiating, except with myself, so I was determined to take Libby's charge seriously. So we have given up paper products (meaning paper plates, paper towels, and paper napkins) for the duration of Lent. So far it's going pretty well, and everyone is on board with it. It's a good spiritual practice to be aware of our carbon footprint, and how much waste we generate as an already large family of six.

The idea of privation, or making sacrifice is not unheard of for my children; we aren't wealthy by any stretch of the imagination, and we regularly reuse, recycle, etc. But this is a very intentional practice, and it's been interesting to watch how everyone does it. I did threaten to make us use cloth toilet paper, but everyone insisted that was going too far and threatened to mutiny. I countered that it wasn't different than using cloth wipes that we washed and reused with cloth diapers when each child was a baby, but I didn't get very far! Apparently non-diapered butts require paper products ;).

In other news, I actually believe that spring might arrive someday, despite the weather report that says it will be in the teens tonight. There has been a tremendous migration of geese, which is one of the joys of living in the Finger Lakes region of New York. I saw an entire field white with snow geese the other day, with hundreds more filling the sky. On the Thruway over the last three days, there have been Vs of Canadian geese as far as the eye can see; it never ends. I have also seen a number of heron pairs and heard a mourning dove this morning.

I am hopeful that spring will bring a fresh start. The last 12 months have been one difficulty after another it seems. Today was no exception. Since last March, I have had two hand surgeries, and just found out that I have to have a much more extensive one next Friday, on my dominant hand, for a large cyst that is wrapped around my tendons. That pretty much eliminates gardening again this summer, much to my dismay.

My mother went into the hospital with congestive heart failure today. She has been in the hospital numerous times in the last three years, but her breathing is getting worse. She has fluid in her lungs and they suspect she has had another heart attack.  My mother-in-law has been in the hospital 3 times since October, with a total of 5 weeks just since Christmas. My father died in November. I've been in and out of court with my ex-husband over child support twice, and have to go on Wednesday again, because he has filed a custody and educational modification around custodial time and homeschooling. I have been struggling with migraines and medication issues since last April.

In less than a month, I return to the RSCC, (for those not UU, it's part of the process of ministry) and I certainly have learned a lot in the last year. I have learned that crisis is not in my vocabulary. Between seminary, parenting, homeschooling, working, internship, volunteering, cleaning, and very little sleep, I have learned to take each day as it comes. I have learned that my daily spiritual practice pays off. I have learned to be much more patient, to listen more, and to incorporate silence and self-care into every single day. I've learned just how very rich I am in friends, and how right I was to follow the call into ministry.

There have been some wonderful things that have happened this year. My children are growing up and becoming more fabulous all the time. My husband is pursuing his own journey of personal transformation. I am in love with my teaching congregation. I have food; shelter; snuggly husband, pets and children; and so much love in my life.

So I guess spring will bring what it must, and life will happen, just as it always does, bringing challenge and grace, a day at a time. Namaste to all who have carried my journey with them in their prayers and hearts this year. Just a few more - for my mother, for the best outcome at court on Wednesday, and for a successful surgery next Friday, with a fast recovery.

Adventures in Parenting

I have enjoyed being with my children as they have grown up. I have made choices I thought were caring and sustainable - homebirth, cloth diapering, breastfeeding, homeschooling, encouraging feelings and closeness.

This has all been well and good but now my youngest child has punished me, but good ;). She weaned from breastfeeding quite some time ago, and at the same time, took up "rubbing" our skin as a form of connection. She has kept up with this habit for quite a long time and even likes to fall asleep while rubbing my tummy or my arm.

Yesterday we went to a friend's to play and at the end of the day, I picked up Lucy and she, true to form, rubbed my bare back (I was wearing a tank top). I now am sporting a lovely case of poison ivy, right where she rubbed my back. I can't reach it, I can't see it, and I can't put lotion on it without help. Thankfully, my family and friends have been willing to help put cortisone cream on it but ow!

Who knew that all this loving parenting would end up like this ;) . One gratitude is that neither child developed poison ivy. I myself was immune to it until I had my own children. 

Thank goodness for a spiritual practice. Meditation actually helps a bit. de

Home again

In a whirlwind of travel, intensive CPE, and family illness, I have been to PA and back to NY in 24 hours, while spending just as much, and possibly more  time in a hospital room then I would have in NY.

My father is medically stable. They are continuing to do tests. He had an EKG today, and will have a follow up CT scan tomorrow. He is terribly confused and has no recognition of anyone but me (and he doesn't remember my name), or even his distant past and childhood, which worries me.

I hated to leave, I hated to stay. I feel torn in two between my two homes. I was horribly homesick for both places in transit, both ways. I can't wait to go back, I dread going back.

The full-time chaplain, an Episcopalian priest, came and met with my dad and I, and I am much reassured. She promised me she would see him every day while he's there, and understood dementia and confusion and was patient and loving with him. He even oriented enough to ask her a Bible joke! (What 3 nuns are mentioned in the Bible?)

It was so hard to say goodbye to my dad. I told him how much I love him, and that he is a great dad. He got all teared up, which I have never seen him do. I didn't quite know what to make of it, but it was very moving.

He became agitated this afternoon and required a lot of redirection and supervision as he refused to wear his oxygen and kept trying to leave to "go home." They assigned him a 1:1 aide today but now he's sleeping and they just have the bed alarm on. Hopefully the Seroquel will keep him out for the night.

I now know what all that free floating anxiety I was feeling on Tuesday (yesterday?!) was about. My family has a history of being slightly psychic with each other (weird, and unbelievable and magical I know). But there you have it.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring? I know one thing is a run in the morning, a chance to see patients, and juggling phone calls with the hospital in PA. Being in the sandwich generation is no picnic (pun intended).

Walking in those shoes

I got a all at the end of the workday yesterday that my dad was having some sort of mini-stroke at his nursing home. I had them call the ambulance, and then called the hospital to give them my contact info, and set up some local people to come to the hospital and be with him.

He did indeed have a TIA  and is still pretty confused, and getting a bit agitated. For those that know his history, he already has brain damage from an aneurism, and has age-brain-damage-related dementia, and lives in a nursing home.

I talked to his doctor this morning who was encouraging, but I didn't see the improvement I was led to believe I would from talking to the doctor. Things are better, incrementally, than last night, but certainly not back to baseline.

As a chaplaincy intern, I did request a chaplain visit, something I've never done before. A volunteer chaplain came to visit and I learned a whole lot about what not to do ever again (if I ever did any of these things):

1. Do ask if you can stay and visit - don't just come in, get the name wrong, and then attempt to flee
2. Do ask about religious preference, don't tell me about yours, unless I ask
3. Do ask if the patient would like another visit
4. Do ask if the patient/family would like to pray (I fail to do this all the time, but sure would have been comforted by the offer this morning, even as a non-Christian).
5. Don't be intimidated by patients who are confused. They still like visitors and like to talk, even if they don't make sense to you.
6. Oh, and introduce yourself FIRST thing - don't make me guess who you are and what you want.

All that said, I'm glad she came, and hope she sends the full time chaplain up, as she promised. I'd really like someone to be able to sit with my dad, even for 10 minutes, after I can't be here.

The doctor said that if things stay stable, it would be fair for me to head home and monitor events from there. As I said, I'm not entirely encouraged by 'progress' from last night, but the next 5 hours should show a lot - 24 hours is supposed to show how things are going. I'm still waiting on results from his carotid artery ultrasound, and he'll have another CT scan tomorrow.

Thanks for all the prayers and good wishes on facebook. They mean everything. I miss my family like crazy, and owe a huge thank you to my daughter Emma, who packed my overnight bag and put everything I needed in it. She really is a mini-clone of me sometimes :). Love you girl.

Ebb and Flow

Yesterday, I got a migraine. I have been having a really hard time managing them; the last few months, they have lasted for several days at least once a month, and the medication has had some really unpleasant side effects, aside from not working really well.

For the first time, I got a combination of meds to work, with the only side effect being that I needed to sleep them off. Today, I am feeling hopeful that I broke it, and it won't come back this month! So I woke up happy to shower with the light on (no aura!), and took the kids to a play, which was really cute and they all behaved themselves.

I came home to find out that one of my FA forms went missing and I didn't get FA - I have a call in to find out wth happened. Then I found out that I had two unauthorized charges on my checking account for iTunes - for which I don't even have an account. Had to go to the bank, fill out forms to maybe get my money back, cancel my debit card...UGH. I am so used to the ease of having a bank card and not dealing with cash or checks. This sucks.

I came home from the bank and cried. So frustrated!

I am hopeful that the rest of the day will improve. Tomorrow's supposed to be awesome weather and I plan on spending it at the park or something nice with the littles.

Now work, then more chauffering. Hoping the sunshine cheers me up.

Authenticity

It's been duly noted that I've been absent from my regular journaling for awhile. Perhaps not writing, but certainly not mentally absent. Just not really sure how authentic I should be, in an ironic twist.

The last 2 weeks have been a time of inner and external turmoil; probably some of the most frustrating and reflective days I've had in recent times, and that's saying a lot, considering that I do a lot of reflection!


Last Monday I met with the RSCC, who determine whether I get the go-ahead to the next step - from ministry aspirant to candidate.The upshot is that they postponed my candidacy for a year, which was very disappointing. Two main issues that stand out for me are:

1. I was not perceived as being authentic until near the end of the 30 minute interview, at which point they saw the person they were looking for. I was trying to portray the professional and capable side of myself during the questioning, which was intensely personal, and at times felt invasive. It is ironic because this was my first real interaction with the professional side of the denomination, and at the end of the day, I did not feel supported in my journey to ministry. Even though there was no indication that the committee felt the need to deny me candidacy, but just to postpone it, I left that building not knowing who the heck they saw, if not me. I have been given strong recommendations, excelled in academics, and pushed myself to take on leadership opportunities. Somehow, that group of people saw someone else that was not well represented by the paperwork they reviewed.

Unfortunately, my career assessment paperwork took 4+ months to be processed, not giving me enough time to comment on it before I had to approve it due to the deadline for paperwork. The very thing that concerned them is the very thing that I would have asked the center to edit had I had time. My relationship with my mother continues to haunt me, though it no longer defines me, just informs who I am.

The ironic part is that I now find myself feeling less able to be vulnerable, and am not even sure that this is the right path to be on. That is not what the committee said, but how I feel. Once I work through my Kubler-Ross stages of grief, I"m sure I'll make lemonade out of lemons.

2. My finances were a huge issue, which I was blindsided by. And the upshot is that I left there angry that the very denomination that is talking the talk of economic, gender, racial, etc. diversity does not seem to be walking the walk. Postponing my candidacy will cost me thousands of dollars in grants and scholarships that are not available to me this year as an aspirant. I will also be held back a year and may not be able to get into the MFC in my final year of school. That will cost me a year of job searching. There didn't seem to be any recognition of this fact, or even forethought, that some of the recommendations they made, and the postponement will put me in a longer term, more precarious financial situation. I feel quite personally hurt by this, in terms of the faith I have put into our denomination spiritually, and also have some crushed idealism about whether we are capable of changing.

Regardless, the recommendations - CPE, counseling, financial planning, etc., are all good things that will help my ministerial formation; however, I could have done all the same things as a candidate, and have ended up in better financial shape at the end of the whole process. I already have an appointment with a new therapist, and a financial planner. I'm a can-do kind of gal.

I wasn't sure how transparent to be about all of this but you know, it seems like a good idea. I'm not perfect, and feedback is good, even if I don't agree all of it. Maybe another example of my ambivalence toward authority, but it's something I have to deal with, and they are good people who want to make good ministers. Nobody I've talked to really seems to be able to understand it, so maybe I just had a bad interview. The next one will be better. Though I have no idea when or how to set that up, since the whole system is changing in about 6 weeks. :::sigh:::

 The interview came on the tail end of two of the worst migraines I have ever had, one of which I drove to Boston with. My physical health has been an issue lately. After that difficult experience, I had to have extensive hand surgery a few days later, which has kept me mostly off the computer except for school and work. I still have a mid-term in process that is a week overdue and spring chores are calling my name. I am in a cast and already ripped half the stitches out of my finger, and am not dealing well with the whole healing process.

I saw the doctor (again) about the migraines and am on a new daily medication plus an acute migraine med. I spent 3 days after my surgery intentionally allowing myself to mope and rest. I watched a lot of 24. I did a lot of nothing and I am better for it, but now I'm ready to move on and my hand won't let me. I'm still having a lot of post-op bruising, swelling and pain (despite my attempts to do very little), and I'm out of patience. I have to wear this cast for another week.

My dad, who I am guardian for, has been having increasing health issues, and I am getting several calls a week from the nursing home lately. I'm trying to finish this semester, prepare for 11 weeks of full time CPE starting June 1, and be present and available to jumpstart my fall internship, should it be approved next month.

In the midst of all this, my independent contract job is causing me additional headaches. I was hired in January and have not yet gotten paid. Legal is holding everything up with contracts, but my bills aren't getting paid, and I just found out I am looking at a $300/month shortfall in another area. I feel utterly defeated tonight. we are already stretched so thin that I can't really imagine how to make that work and I already anticipate all the fun pushback I will get from my older kids about sacrificing more. They may say they understand, but that doesn't mean that I won't pay the price for it in other ways both intentional and not.

So, that's where I've been. I'm tired, and depressed, and not feeling very good about my path, my body, or my ability to function like a responsible grown-up today. I know it will all work out, but man, I am really tired.

So I want to write, I want to connect, but my soul needs to hibernate. Catch up. Rest. And there's just no time for that. I try to be pretty PollyAnna, but I'm feeling like it's OK to feel like crap right now. Everyone will just have to put up with me for a couple of weeks . 

That said, I have a lot of people in my thoughts and prayers. Breathe in peace. Breathe out love. I am grateful for spring days, fresh eggs, smiling children, a loving husband, and a comfy bed.

Good Thoughts

My mother just called to tell me she is headed to the hospital for tests. When I talked to her two Fridays ago and she was having balance issue and some additional difficulty with remembering words. She had a stroke on Memorial Day weekend, so I encouraged her to call the doctor before the weekend. Fast forward to last Friday (3 days ago). She still hadn't called but was still having symptoms. Compliant patient, no. So I made her promise she would call today. Turns out she woke up at 4am with blurry vision and a killer headache. The clot that caused the first stroke is very much still present, so good thoughts would be appreciated.

In other news I have one of my CPE interviews on Wednesday, and just sent off another application in case the first site doesn't work out. I really, really want to do the intensive this summer so I'm crossing fingers and toes. I am meeting with my teaching pastor/future intern site this week for the first time too. I can't wait! I have so many questions to try to come up with some sort of plan for fall since I have to try to work it around family schedules and such. This will be an adventure in ministerial (un)schedules and learning to balance everything.

Brain explosion

I'm in a flurry of thought about covenant, contradiction, feminism, OT vs. NT teachings, H1N1 and WHO recommendations (does anyone know of the IHR (2005) is binding on signatory nations, and if so, how?).

Woohoo!

The excitement is building

Things are getting very exciting around here. I'm gearing up for a crazy, crazy September, but I'm ready for it.

I travel to Meadville Lombard next week for orientation. I've already got my first assignment for one of my classes, and I worked out my pastoral care class at St. Bernard's for the second half of the semester.

Things are rolling with the Teen Soul Matters group, and my friend Kelly is going to co-facilitate it with me. There's a lovely intro to his new consulting ministry position here. I'm also getting ready for the Wellspring retreat and sessions, and am rereading A Hidden Wholeness by Parker Palmer in preparation.

I'm back at work with the RE program and our new DRE, Sheila. Things are busy but manageable and will be able to telecommute for a chunk of it, which is a huge relief in terms of childcare and travel time/expense.

The kids are getting geared up for another (home)school year. I've yet to find out about gymnastics times, but hopefully soon. We also are trying to tie up all the loose ends of doctor appointments and such with my hand/wrist problems, Soren's GI issues, Emma's endocrinology, and Jude's warts and well-child checkup. i have spent more time at the doctor's with everyone this summer than EVER cumulatively I think!

Off to update my resume, my reading list and shower at some point!

I've also been following the "covenant" discussion posted over at Peacebang's site and other places and am enjoying the opportunity to start thinking like a student/theologian rather than just mom mode ;).

A day of spirit and hard work

Lest this turn into the August blog of yard work and gardening, I *did* go to church today and was the worship associate for Rev. Joel Miller from the Buffalo UU church. It was a nice service, from what I could tell after my piece was done. I got some nice feedback and my husband got to be there for once!

We went to the Park Ave. fest afterwards and enjoyed browsing, then took the long way home, stopping for Abbott's ice cream in Canandaigua.

When we got home, I tackled some more yard work - I tied up the Rose of Sharon trees that were drooping all over, and weeded underneath them - what a mess. Then I trimmed back our insane trumpet vine that I thought our friend killed last year. Apparently not, as it's totally out of control. I harvested an ear of corn and 3 cukes from the garden, yay! And cleaned out the chicken tractor, replaced the feed that got wet in the storm this morning, cleaned out the brooder and the rabbit litter pan, and gave up for the day.

I was proud of mama chicken, Elvis. I took the chicks outside in a cage and she followed me and stayed with them while I cleaned the brooder. Then she followed me all the way back into the house with her babies and hopped right into the brooder. We left the Americaunas out today for the first time and they had a *blast* and the cat didn't bother them.

The littles jumped on the trampoline with the hose spraying on them for awhile, which was fun. They have the utmost joy and laughter at the simplest things. Unfortunately, Jude threw up again just now. I am worried- he threw up last Monday and Tuesday and hasn't really recovered. He's been tired and cranky. I had hoped he was on the mend, but apparently not. I wonder if it could be from the bug spray? We have to coat ourselves to fend off the mosquitoes. I'm considering a trip to the doctor tomorrow just to check him out. I am going to get some lemon grass to plant which apparently deters the mosquitoes, as well as some bat boxes, but that will all take time. It's been raining non-stop - today the yard was so saturated that it was squishy out back :(.

I talked to the girls and they are thoroughly vacationing. good for them!

Healthy Thoughts

I am sending out love and healing thoughts to a friend at church who had a stillbirth on Tuesday night. I am devestated for her and her family.

Our friend Nadine, who is undergoing inpatient chemo treatment is continuing her heartwarming trend of cheerfulness and upbeat energy. She had a brief setback this week but is back to her regular room, and enjoying her new bald look!

My mother's cereberal artery clot has not reabsorbed and she continues to be at risk for another stroke. She can now raise her big toe but none of the other ones, and she has a bit of peripheral vision returning. She is under strict orders not to drive or list anything.

Jude and I had a Very Long (tm) doctor's visit yesterday. He has two warts on different fingers, both impacting his fingernails. They had to be shaved and frozen (freezing and poison at home was not working). He was very cooperative until the freezing part (which he knew would hurt) but we survived. If all goes well, they will disappear and we will not have to see the pediatric dermatolgist in a month to have them surgically removed (one has been there for a year).

I had a long list of things to discuss - it seems that I have developed some sort of quasi-allergy to my own progesterone at peak times of the month and it's not going to go away until menopause. No help there! I have been having some strange heart palpitations and I'm to let her know if I develop chest pain or lightheadedness or shortness of breath. If I do, I have to have one of those monitor thingies. Woohoo. I also have a ganglion cyst on my hand, and go for a surgical consult on Monday. I cannot wait to have this thing gone. I have arthritis in both wrists and my fingers and it's aggravating my hand to have the cyst there. I also have an ear infection (I think I've had it for about 3 months now), and am supposed to start taking my allergy medicine daily (but I can't find it). I hate my allergy pills because they are big and stick in my throat. I am not a very graceful patient (but better than Jude. Eric didn't have to hold me down while Dr. J. looked in my ears, thank goodness!)

Soren has to go see a pediatric GI, since her tummy meds are aren't working, and Lucy has to go to a ped dentist for a suspected cavity (see below list of crap to see why this may be the case). I mostly blame my husband and his mother who can't tell this kid no, and let her eat ridiculous amounts of stuff that Is Not Food. Ugh.

In non-health related news, we had a lovely two day impromptu vacation at Keuka Lake, during which I forgot daughter 2's dental appointment to repair a filling, and husband forgot his Soul Matters group. Oops. Oh well, it was worth having a couple of days by the lake. Emma's friend J. went along and they and daughter 2 tent camped in the yard of the cottage. Our golden retriever escaped once and was returned by a nice, friendly, laughing neighbor, thank goodness. Our beagle brat ate the pizza leftovers when Jude forgot to shut the porch door. I read 2.5 murder mysteries while we were there, taught daughter 2 to play War and Blackjack and 2 new types of solitaire, and she taught me to play Spit. We also played frisbee and wiffle ball and catch and she built a fairy house. Jude and Lucy got very dirt and ran around like lunatics, eating everything in sight. We all polished off a case of Pepsi and a huge pack of Gatorade, a box of oreos, 2 loaves of breakfast bread, 3 packages of maple candy, lots of peanut butter and nutella, 2 packages of chicken, a huge container of mashed potatoes...the list goes on.

It rained for half the time but we had fun anyway :). It's good to be home again too. Thanks to Book for letting us borrow his cottage! It was awesome.

One day at a time

Thank you for all the kind thoughts.

Update on my mother: She has some minor issues from the stroke; she can't lift her toes, has limited vision in both eyes, and some difficulty with remembering words and short term memory overall. Also, her balance isn't great. She is hoping to go home on heparin and with therapy set up for home visits in the next couple of days.

I really wish that she would consider assisted living, or senior apartments; each issue that arises makes it more difficult for her to stay in her own home.

Our friend with leukemia is upbeat and starts chemo today. She is taking votes on what color wig to get if her hair falls out ;). We helped make a poster for her room yesterday, which was nice for the kids. I'm keeping up with her updates on Facebook and sending encouraging words. Having little kids makes me limited in visiting, as they are little germ factories, but maybe I can drop the oldest off for a visit for an hour one day.

Things for school prep are starting to roll in. It's about time to make my plane reservations and schedule my career assessment. That will be a whole lot more paperwork and deep thought.

Yesterday I saw black and white warblers all over the place, and a sharp shinned hawk hunting a field near our house. Chipmunks are everywhere, as are bunnies, deer and fox. Our chickens are growing apace and will be ready to come to our house soon I think!

I have my mentor training for Empowered Girls Alliance this weekend; that will be great.

Today I plan to rest and let the antibiotics do their work; maybe organize Lucy's room a bit; one of her dresser drawers is broken and needs to be repaired. Just a nice day at home with the littles!

A Day of Rest

..not for me though.
Move along if whinging isn't your thing.

Thursday night: Lucy woke crying at midnight. Little sleep ensued the rest of the night. She awoke with a head cold.

Friday night: Homeschool prom. Waited up for all the news. Then hubby and I watched the season finale (I think?) of Heroes.

Saturday night: Jude woke crying at 11:00 p.m. The aforementioned head cold appears to have been passed on to him. He couldn't breathe all night despite Mucinex and being in our bed...hubby and I are sleep deprived.

Sunday morning: RE Sunday. An exercise in frustration for me. The 3s and 4s did the chalice lighting and did it well; however they acted like...well, like 3 and 4 year olds after that, climbing on the stage, talking, dancing. I was not really in the mood and ended up escorting a group of them back to the classroom midway through the service, missing my oldest daughter's class. One of the kids' parents could have been a little more helpful.

There was to be a teacher appreciation reception in the lounge, but it was mobbed by kids and adults of every size and shape; most of them not teachers at all. Last year it was more of a luncheon in a private room. Maybe the budget constraints were the reason, but frankly, I didn't feel appreciated, just lost in the shuffle of a typical post-service coffee hour.

I don't usually complain about such things, but I am tired and cranky. The kids are fitfully napping next to me; coughing, sneezing and sniffling.

I would like to nap, but still need a real lunch, and then I need to mow the front lawn and run the weed whacker around the yard. The parts for our mower should be here tomorrow, but it won't be fixed till Wednesday probably; I'll most likely have to hire someone again for the third week in a row. Doesn't anyone want to donate a brand new riding mower to my household? This whole lawn thing is way too stressful. I just want the damn thing to work for more than one mowing.

Man, do I ever want a nap. And yet, I still have an hour and a half of driving to do this evening to get the girls home tonight. I think I'll be asleep by 9:30 tomorrow; better be, as it's an early rising Monday so I can get to work by 8.

On the upside, the sun's out, and hubster is working on the chicken tractor. My vegetables are thriving in pots, preparing to be planted. My kids are cool and wonderful (and my 2 yo was better behaved in church than the older kids she was thrown in with). And I've got a lot to be thankful for (even though I have stress about mowing the thing, I do have a fabulous yard that I occasionally get to enjoy).

Off to the races.

Being poor is draining my spiritual bank

Because my husband is self-employed, and my ex-husband works out of state, the kids (and my husband and I) have qualified for state-funded insurance for a number of years.

Even when I worked at Xerox as a contractor, the insurance was so expensive through the agency that Tom and I went without for over a year. Going through the process is a soul-sucking experience. In the last county we lived in, the social workers were in a very urban area, and were impossible to work with. I ended up working with the Commissioner's Office after I was unable to get my caseworker switched. She always had a full voicemail, the voicemail system said it would route you to an operator but didn't, and was an infinite loop of bullshit. When I did manage to get her on the phone, she was extraordinarily rude, demeaning and treated me like trash.

I was never actually able to get her supervisor on the phone, despite leaving many, many messages. The paperwork was confusing (seemingly on purpose), and I honestly don't know how people with literacy problems or lacking in education were able to navigate the system at all (maybe they don't).

When we moved to our new house, we were in a different county, and it was a night and day experience. The people at social services are nice, causing me to break down in cry (I used to cry out of frustration, not anymore).

This year we made so little that all the kids qualified for Medicaid. I had to go to a facilitated enrollment center to do the paperwork. Lori was nice enough, but not really personable. She didn't offer to shake my hand, didn't offer me a seat, and didn't introduce me to the woman she was training. She was polite, but it was clear that I was a just a number, just an appointment to get through. I'm well-organized, so these things go smoothly, but when they tell me that, it seems patronizing - they often make comments that put down the other people who come in, who aren't so organized.

On my drive home, I found myself wondering why people like Lori are doing the job they are in. There are certainly jobs that I've had that I haven't been passionate about, but I have a really strong work ethic, and always go beyond the call of duty (or move on, if it's that crappy of a job!). Any job or volunteer position that I've had where I was in human services, or working directly with people in a support role has been something I would not define as ministry. Not the religious kind, but work that I had a personal passion for and could focus on each individual person as just that - a real person, with real needs, a real story. They were never just a number to me. There were people that were difficult to work with, but often, that was why they were there -because they were lacking tools and resources to navigate our complicated world.

Our US culture is so very classist - it's hard to even admit to being poor. My church community really has no idea how close to the bone we live. And it's not for lack of trying or hard work. When I go to the social services office, it depletes my spirit. People are sad, and brisk and sometimes say hurtful things. There are people that are lazy or take advantage, but there are also a lot of people who just need help because of circumstances created by our culture.

I just have to wonder how people end up in these jobs if it's not for caring about helping those who are struggling. I can't imagine any other reason for doing it; it can't be an easy job to do.

This train of thought is connected to the conversation over at The Journey. (see comments there for more). I know that I have a hard time admitting that I'm no longer middle class. We have a good life. We have more than most of the world; but in this culture, in our country, we are barely making ends meet (and aren't, most months). Despite all that, I intend to go to seminary this fall, because I believe that my calling is part of the big picture. We will never be wealthy (unless we win the Lotto!) but we will be OK in the long run.

The downturning economy is going to make a lot of people look at their preconceptions about wealth and what they prioritize in their lives. I wonder if that will help the climate around classism change at all? Because I grew up in a college town, I have a lot of educational privilege that serves me well as a UU; my husband not so much. He's on a church strike right now and has been before, often because he feels that as a faith, we look like rich surburbanites "empowering" poor urban dwellers. The WAY we walk the walk is still hurtful in the same way that those burnt out social workers can be hurtful to the shy soul within.

I come back again to radical hospitality. Do we really make all seekers feel welcome? No. Are all seekers going to find what they want at a UU church? No. But just because they don't fit our normal expectations for "class" or politics, we shouldn't be making them feel unwelcome. We spend a lot of time watching our language in LGBT issues and race issues. We need to broaden that hospitality to class issues.

And a personal annoyance; our ushers, parking lot attendants, and greeters are all getting extraordinarily lazy about being hospitable. I haven't had one greeter or usher actually greet me in weeks unless I make a point of making eye contact and greeting them first. And many of them *know* me! How does this feel to the newcomer? It is to make me bang my head against the wall.

Everyday Drama

Lucy just ran in here with a video, wailing "we already watching thiiiis one!" Oh, the drama.

We've been listening to Mrs. PiggleWiggle on tape though, and it seems to help Jude put it all in perspective. Now, I merely have to pick up my phone and pretend to call Mrs. PiggleWiggle, and everything sorts itself out magically.

Yesterday was filled with painful drama. Emma came home from Florida (yay!) and promptly fell up the stairs with her suitcase and smashed her knee.

I came in and dropped Soren's music stand on my toe and am pretty sure I fractured it. I'm limping around quite a bit and had a very short walk with the dog this morning.

My husband missed an entire day of work for an emergency tooth extraction.

Nothing insurmountable, just frustrating.

Good news is I finished my sermon, and it's sunny and a bit warmer. The geese are doing their O'Hare impersonation, which is fun, and Jakob is having a doggy playdate today.

I'm obssessed with the idea of getting another dog before he gets much older (I think this is stand-in for having another baby ), and I keep visiting dogs. My husband is very tolerant of me and even has accepted the idea of trialing chickens next month, for eggs and meat. I'd like a goat too, but I think he'll draw the line there ;).

Vermin and Circumcision, Redux

Well, the mouse is gone. No more poop to clean up for now! We had to wash a bazillion dishes last night, and without a dishwasher and with 6 people to wash for, that was an unwelcome addition and a waste of water. So that's taken care of, at least!

I've had some good comments on my last post - I had already looked at some of the websites that were recommended - thanks Mark! (after I posted), and found them to be helpful. I think that for me, circumcision is not a parenting issue, or even a religious issue, but a human rights issue. But for those that are fundamentalist in their views, and see circumcision as a convenant with God, it is one of those places where you just can't convince someone to be logical, because it conflicts with their religious beliefs. This is where the Unitarian part of me triumphs, because I am very much about seeing the proof, and just cannot take the Bible as the literal word of God, especially given the errors in translation and the cultural context of the times.

Hugh, thanks for your link as well - I am going to read through that and pass it on.

Steve, I am interested in this research as well and have not had time to peruse it, but a lot of what concerns me about infant circumcision (male, female, what have you) even in the west, is that it is done with no anesthesia - there is still some sort of mistaken belief that infants cannot feel pain. And there are also risks associated with circumcision, including death (though rare, here).

I don't see immunization as falling into the category of mutilation or unnecessary surgery though. However, as a side note, I am one of those annoying parents who breastfeeds in part because of the immunities passed on, and delays vaccinations, and then insists that they be given one at a time, rather than the 4-7 (including multiple vaccines like DTaP) because there is no way to tell what a child is reacting to if they are getting a bunch of shots all at once. Informed choice and research is a good thing when you're dealing with small bodies and medications of any sort. There is certainly a lot of contrpversial research around the effects of immunizations on people, and the alarming rise in all sorts of illness in the last 60 years since they have become mandated.