Practice

I have been slogging through my daily spiritual practice, trying to quiet the incessant chatter of my brain - I won't bore you with the tedious details of flotsam that hurl themselves around as I partake of my morning meditation walk.

Something about spring though - the cessation of gray, damp, cold days; the return of birdsong, flowers, and milder air. The ability to walk for a mile without wearing an annoying hat. It's renewing my enthusiasm for prayer and meditation, just as I was thinking that maybe I should try something else for awhile.

Patience is a virtue, they say.

I finally found out who my school advisor is today! And will be able to start figuring out my schedule. I also found out that i probably have enough funds to take a class at the local seminary! So I'm weighing my options and getting excited.

I knew I liked me some Bono

Bono talks up Easter.

Youth Spiritual Development

My oldest daughter is 13, and she's interested in Buddhism. This isn't something that is covered in the You the Creator curriculum that she's taking this year, and next year, she has OWL. She's too young for youth group.

I asked her a couple of months ago if our church was meeting her spiritual needs. It seems like an important thing to ask, given that it meets mine pretty darn well.

I called my minister, and explained my problem. We have three Buddhism Soul Matters groups, but they are all adult groups. So I have an appointment to meet with the other minister who organizes Soul Matters groups to see if one might be willing to take her on. She's OK with it, but the ministers realize now that if one kid is asking, there might be more who aren't getting their spiritual needs met by Sunday School.

I'll keep you posted as to what happens; I'm excited about some new opportunities for our kids!

Redeeming

I have not been thrilled with NY Gov. Patterson since he stepped into office, but today he redeemed himself at least a little!

Boy, was I pissed off at the quote that no faith support gay marriage! I wasn't very impressed with this church to begin with; now my feelings are further corroborated.

At sea

I am having yet another shift in perception, approach, intention. The way my minister put it in a phone conversation this week as experiencing parallel processes. Man, this is one of those weeks where I want to go back to life before feeling called to the ministry; where I want to put my fingers in my ears and say, "lalalala, I can't hear you!"

And yet, as LE puts it so eloquently today:

I am overwhelmed with gratitude. And that is a cross I'm willing to bear. Total strangers, demonstrating love. I am surrounded by teachers. And so I may not have answers to all the rest of my questions, and my feelings of guilt, and my guilt at feeling guilt, because it's not about me, and all the swirling inside as my brain tries to process too much information. But I can commit myself to learning. I can commit myself to learning how to love with big open arms. Limitless undying love. And I can commit myself to being the one to give the love, when it's my turn.

I am feeling part of, yet separate from things; a participant, yet an observer of life, and it's disconcerting and exhausting and I feel like crying today (well, impending PMS probably doesn't help, but still).

At church, I sit through the sermons and experience them and learn from them; yet I also am taking mental note of things that work well, that I enjoy, that people mention moved them.

I sit in small group, and am grateful for the skillful facilitation and expansion of my soul; yet I am observing, learning how to be a better listener, to be a better facilitator; I take mental notes for future reference.

I am having serious angst over a close relationship right now; as I follow my path, becoming more aware of my inability to know intention other than my own, becoming a more intentional listener, growing in my ability to open my arms and love; I find myself torn between screaming frustration and judgment at my friend's interruptions, attempts to pick apart the intention of everyone in every interaction, ego, and hurtful things they say AND my higher self's observation of the love they have within them, the respect for their own journey and where they've been and what experiences have formed who they are, and overwhelming love and gratitude for the closeness we've had but that seems to be slipping away as I walk a different line in my spirituality, my parenting, my intention toward the greater world.

I am humbled and pained by my struggle to avoid judgment and by how being transformed makes everything both clearer and murkier.

I am filled with joy and gratitude; and loss and sorrow of my more (innocent?) ignorant and egotistical self!

I am filled with anger and forgiveness; I am filled with humility and ego; I am in the moment and observing it at the same time; I am filled with judgement and love; I am struggling with boundaries and inclusion; all of this taking up the same head and heart space.

Yeah, some days I just want to pull the blankets back over my head. It's hard work.

Computer Purgatory

I have been of the "out of pocket" variety for a few days now. My hard drive is officially dead, but it turns out it was under warranty, so as soon as I get the FedEx label, I can ship it off and get a whole new computer. Thankfully I had a backup from about a month ago, but still. Ugh. I was able to recreate my lay sermon and readings and such for Sunday, and give it, and it went really well!

I'm at my office right now, killing time with 2 kids while one kid has Cabaret rehearsal.

Many deep thoughts happening, just not any time to write them down lately! Ahh, I look forward to the lazy days of summer!

too fun!

Cranky

We have been busy; all the end of year activities, plays, performances, potlucks, etc., with no end in sight until the first of June. We're also working on end of year homeschooling testing, which stresses out my oldest daughter to no end.

The house is not in the condition I'd like it to be, and today was to be a catch up day, but I wanted to spend the day researching vacuum cleaners and cell phone plans, because both need to be replaced soon. That took a lot longer than I anticipated, plus I had a lovely conversation with the girls' dad...and then my hard drive died. Just like that. It made a weird sound, everything locked up and now it is not recognized by my laptop.

It has my sermon for Sunday on it and hasn't been backed up since I wrote it. I have a print out, but I had the whole Order of Service w/ the sermon in one document and was going to print it out today.

Ex-dh is going to look at it for me, but I am not feeling hopeful about it.

!@#$@%$

Moving down the path

I know I mentioned I had my NERSCC meeting/evaluation a couple of weeks ago. I haven't gotten the recommendation yet, but I'll wait another week to send a note. I did send a thank you note, but I know he's just returning from sabbatical and is swamped.

One of the pivotal things about that meeting is that he put into words something that has been in my mind for some time. I'm moving from a place of identifying with "being called" to the ministry to one of ministerial formation.

I recognize that as people move from one role to another, that they struggle to align themselves with their transformation. One thing that's been difficult for me lately is that I could really use the advice/listening ear of my spiritual advisor, whom I can't afford to pay, and in lieu of that, would benefit from talking with my ministers about some life challenges.

However, I'm hesitant to contact them, because as I'm moving toward resuming my education, and other parallel paths along the ministerial path, I would like to at least appear to have my sh*t together, even if I am human, like everyone, even ministers, and I am having a hard time making a move to talk to them. Isn't that stupid?

I'm sure this is one of my growing edges; my awareness of new boundaries and personal competencies (or failings). There are other ways in which my personal relationship with my church is shifting. I feel like I'm present, yet moving through it, as I move into preparing to minister myself in the next few years or so. Everything has a new light around it, and I have a new way of looking at and evaluating things that is a bit disconcerting. I feel like I have gained and lost something as I move into this new phase of my transformation. It's a bit lonely.

Maybe when I start school, I'll find that I'm not so alone in this experience.

The minister of QVC

I had a hilarious discussion with my mom last week. She thinks that with my communications degree, I should go to work for QVC and become one of those ladies who sells stuff that nobody needs, and make six digits. I mentioned that I thought this might possibly be the polar opposite of going into the ministry.

My mom insists that it's very ministerial because the hosts talk about their lives, give good advice, and well, they get to go on amazing vacations!

Hee.

Gymnastics

Soren had a meet today. She got a medal for 4th on bars and 9th on beam. She was happy. Vault and floor were not strong points today. Her team took first place and she looked ecstatic as always. I think they have won first place at every meet except one (2nd place) this year. What an amazing group of girls! Emma and Lucy were with me, so we had a girl's day out, while the boyz stayed home and ostensibly did boy things. Like laundry ;). It was still warm and sunny when we got home so I did some raking and shot some hoops with Soren until Lucy got hit in the head with a basketball, poor sweetie.

A nice day!!

Just like Jo March

...my mind is rumpled today. I had an argument (a Real Live (tm) Argument) with one of my best friends today, and walked away feeling like I am a Rotten Parent (tm) for daring to make choices that don't put my teenager's social needs first on my list of priorities. And not to mention that I'm blaming everyone else for my daughter's feelings and I should take full responsibility for them and go even further beyond the call of duty to make her social life perfect.

That's probably not exactly what she said, but mind, that's how I said I felt at the end of the conversation. Looking back on it honestly, she had some good feedback mixed in there, but (Karen, are you listening?), about 30 minutes into the conversation, in which I kept getting more and more frustrated because she wasn't getting what I was saying at all, for a variety of reason, I yelled, "I don't want to hear your solutions! I don't want to hear your scenarios! What I need from you as a friend is for you listen to my pain and to the fact that my kid is hurting and to just validate that!"

And then she didn't. She said some other things that really hurt my feelings even more and were totally off target IMO, and I hugged her and said I loved her, and we moved on. Man, I'm sorry for ever doing that to my own friends. It sucks. As I get better at really listening, it is really hard when I'm not listened to. Understandable, but harder.

This all has to do with inclusion, this argument. We move in a small homeschooling community, with small circles that often intersect and shift and move, and my daughter is in between circles right now, because there has been a shift from all-age activities that are family-inclusive, to "teen" activities with age cut-offs (that are a year older than she is) and she feeling intentionally excluded and is hurt. There are a bunch of reasons I can think of (that are all UNintentional) why this is happening, but it doesn't matter. It hurts.

And I'm in a place with big kids and little kids, where I stretch myself and my littles very thin at times in order to make sure my olders get to have fun and participate in enriching activities. I feel like my friend told me that I wasn't stretching enough and it hit every button for me in terms of how mothers of young children are not well supported. It also felt like she felt like we were being excluded because we choose to live 45 minutes away in order to be away from the city and work toward more sustainable living (the only other place we could afford to buy a house is IN the city, an environment that sucked the soul out of me).

It's like she was holding on to resentments about some of my choices about parenting, homeschooling, inclusion and lifestyle, and dumped them all on me in one fell swoop.

So my mind is rumpled. And my daughter is still hurting. I'm sad and don't understand why this shift has happened in the kids' friendships. What I really don't understand is that it seems to be spearheaded by the parents, not by the kids, who seem to be just fine with including everyone for most things. Everyone always raves about how likable, fun, sweet and polite my daughter is - so why can't the adults involved see how their hangups about ageism are hurting her (and others)?

At least E doesn't seem to think I'm the culprit ;). She loves where we live - and she loves her friends. She loves visiting - and she would love to have more visitors. She loves her siblings - and she loves some big kid time. She loves kids of all ages - and she loves adults of all ages. She is as stymied as I am.

Anyway, enough. I'm just trying to find some order in all these questions, but I think I'll just have to wait and think, and plan more one one one get togethers rather than the group events we usually attend (for family unity and sanity sake). I can't wait till summer. We're going to hunker down and garden and swim and read and be together. So there.

And I'm going to work really hard at being a better listener, and to forgive my friend for not getting me, and to try to understand her intentions, and to just try to be more inclusive myself and maybe it will be a fad that will catch on!

music(als)

My daughter just came home with a bass guitar. She already knows how to play Sunny Came Home, Smoke in the Water, and a couple more things. Her friend says she looks "kick-ass."

She also went to see Once Upon a Mattress today, which her friends were in. She said it was a riot.

She kills me. My husband is laughing because yet another instrument with a huge clunky case is now in my house. But at least they like music and want to learn.

Today was massive cleaning downstairs...it's good to have the girls home and to just sit down. Except I have to get the little ones jammies.

Recharging

I was just getting to a place where I had a good routine, had embraced being present in day to day parenting and home care...and just like a baby's naptime, everything changed.

Now I am trying to adjust to working again, preparing for outdoor activities as the weather warms up, and scaling back our day to day activities to make life more manageable (much to the detriment of my daughters' social life, apparently).

Even without enough work to sustain us, Tom has been out looking at possible projects, networking, talking to people, etc., so I haven't had much of a break from the day to day childrearing stuff, even since starting work. After the first two weeks, I really needed to get energized.

It just so happens that the 4th week of each month has two mom-recharging activities that I never make it to, but this month, I got to go to both. Thursday night was a homeschool mom meeting and last night was UU Mom's night out. Both were wonderful times of community, shared resources and struggles, and energizing.

Well, and dinner out included marguaritas. You can't beat that!

Living Big

Someone told me today that I live life big! I like that. I have been having a rough time since January. Last week I started back to work, am finishing up Wellspring, and am taking a UU Intro class with my husband (so he'll go). It's been 4 nights since we've been home for bedtime; the littles have fallen asleep in the car on the way home.

I'm exhausted. But I've spent many hours at church, doing things that fill me up, when most of the rest of my life is draining. Except for the kids, who have just been wonderful during a difficult week.

Being back at work at the RE program is awesome. I love it. But damn, I'm tired!

So a bit more reading and then to bed. Blessed be, all. And live big! And boldly!

Forgiveness

I've been thinking about forgiveness a lot lately because it's what we're talking about at Wellspring next week. I've always thought a lot about it though, because I had a childhood memorable for many rotten things, and I spent a lot of years angry.

I think that forgiveness has always been a rather undefinable word for me - I've never been quite sure what it means to me, but as I did one of the assigned readings (which I had a lot of issues with, by the way), it occurred to me that it's really a mindset. Forgiveness has a lot to do with:

1. Assumption. If we assume we know someone else's intention, we're already setting ourselves up for a future problem. Even if someone is horrible to us, we don't have any idea what in their history has led them to make the choices they are making in their relationship to us. That doesn't negate their responsibility for making those choices, but it does give one pause for thought about compassion and the idea that we can only really know such a small part of any story - our part of it.

2. The way that we self-identify as part of our moment by moment stories has a huge part to play in how, or whether we "forgive" someone. Let me pause for a moment to say that I think that for me, forgiveness is really about letting go, moving on - it doesn't have to absolve anyone of guilt, it doesn't require the other person to apologie - it's all about how we identify ourselves in the story. If we're a victim, if we're angry, if we are hurt - those are all valid reactions in the moment of a story, but we don't have to hold on to those roles forever. We can move past who we were in that moment, and refuse to identify ourselves in ways that continue to hurt us.

Outside of thinking about forgiveness in the context of Wellspring, I've been struck by the stories about AIG employees who are the focus of a lot of (justifiable, in some cases) anger.

It frightens me to think that these people need security to protect themselves against potential death threats. They are being targeted by neighbors and strangers alike. Then again, I share Jay Leno's fear about the tax that Congress is imposing on those bonuses - does this mean that the government can just target someone and do something like that? It sounded to me like Obama didn't really approve, but he didn't make a strong statement one way or the other.

Remember, we only know what the media tells us about these people - that is even less than a little part of the story - and for those making death threats, they're not even in the AIG story.

A lot to think about.

Another piece of the journey

I had a very busy day today. I started back to work as the RE Assistant/Admin. at church (did I mention this? I'm fried this week). So today, I worked mid-day so I could have my meeting with the NERSCC person from my district - the final reference I needed to move from Applicant to Aspirant.

I was a nervous wreck all morning, but was so busy at work that I didn't have time to think about it. When I went in to meet with him, I felt like everything I was saying was stupid, trite, and perhaps mentally ill. Thankfully, I must not have seemed as mentally ill as I was feeling, and I somehow managed to convey the overwhelming desire that my spirit as to serve, because I got some really great feedback about my upcoming seminary years (that Iwish I could put into practice more) and he didn't feel there were any flags, and he basically said, "You GO girl!"

So after being incredibly intimidated by him (a rare occurrence for me) for the first hour, the last half hour was really great and a much more authentic discussion (for me at least) about transformation and his sense of what was to come for me.

I have been feeling really stuck lately and not able to access much in the way of spiritual peace, and I have to say, that I got right back in the groove after this; I must have been way more anxious than I realized.

I ran to pick up the kids (my baby's first real day at a sitter, albeit my best friend!) and shoved them all in the car to go to Nana's for the next leg of the day (at 5 p.m. no less). We ran over there, ate dinner, and Tom and I drove back to church (geez, it really is feeling like home lately), to attend the first Starting Points class with co-minister Rev. Scott Tayler.

I knew that Tom wasn't all that enthused about going (to say the least), but he went. And it was way better than he thought it would be ;). It was really fun, and we did an exercise about where you are in your beliefs about religion that surprised me at one point, and also made me realized how much I have changed/transformed in the last 10 years.

It was really a great class, and I can't wait to go again next week! And the kids were good for Nana, and were jammied and ready to get in the car when I got back, so everyone is asleep now and I should be too.

On the way home, Emma (13) and I had a really great conversation about UUism and whether our faith was meeting her spiritual needs, and I see that I need to be helping her with her seeking and not just relying on RE. She might get involved with the Cabaret performance and wants to find a Buddhist study group to go to at church, or maybe visit the local Zen center. How exciting!

New Growth

Spring, glorious spring. "It's a beautiful morning!Now mom, you sing 'It's a beautiful day!'" says Jude on the way to church this morning.

Today was a wonderful, incredible tease. The kids were antsy, and I had the best morning spiritual practice in a while. Still not as focused as I have been, but despite my broken toe, I forged onward, further than Jake and I have walked for awhile. I could feel something different about the sun rising behind my back; about the quality of the light. We heard and saw red-winged blackbirds, and I've seen some amazing red tailed hawks lately. The snow geese seem to be done with their migration but I'm still seeing scads of Canadian geese every morning.

The littles and I headed off to church; I was teaching Sunday School today, which was nice, but I heard a tantalizing snippet of the sermon when I stepped out for a moment; I will definitely be listening to the podcast when it's uploaded. Something about abortion...

Then we went to pick up our new doggie. We are trying out a little beagle mix. She is feisty, fat, and four. She fits right in! (A four year old, four kids...feisty...not so much with fat). So far so good. Jake is kind of pestering her but she's got no patience for his immaturity and promptly stole his bed. I kicked her out of it of course, and he pulled his blankets around him and is snuggled in now. The kids adore her (all but my oldest, who doesn't seem to much care).

We spent some time outside raking and cleaning up the yard, since it was so warm and lovely. I'm itching to clean out our studio and make it usable space for crafts and art work, but that's going to take some trips to the dump and Goodwill. I did get the front yard raked and Tom pruned some of the apple tree, and chopped some wood. I think we'll just make it through the cold weather with what we have.

We had a nice visit with my ex, his wife and his dad . We ordered pizza and hung out; he worked on the kids' computer (the ex, that is), and his wife and I laughed at his overprotectiveness of the girls around boys. It was fun!

unfortunately, right before the arrived, I started experiencing cold symptoms and them Emma started up. Perfect timing, since I haven't been sick all winter and I start back as RE Assistant at First U tomorrow morning. Hopefully I will feel less foggy in the morning.

Anyway, like the crocuses and daffodils that are peeking up, I feel primed for new growth; ready to move forward into a new phase of my life (seminary) and immerse myself. Once this head cold goes away!

A momentous day

Today is my oldest daughter's birthday. She is 13, the beginning of the magical teen years.

We are making a cake, an cheesy potato casserole and grilled ribs and artichokes for dinner. We are spending the day with friends and at home, and are enjoying our regular day off! I'm doing her chores for her today.

She is making her own chocolate cake too!

Emma is a delightful young woman, and I am very much looking forward to the teen years. She still likes to hang out and chat with me, cook together, and talk about religion and politics. I challenge her not to make assumptions out of the black and white place of adolescence, and to think and write critically, and she tolerates me and tries hard.

She loves little kids and is a fabulous babysitter. She is thoughtful an empathic and tends to stand up for the underdog. She's an unabashed Obama supporter and is not refusing to say the Pledge of Allegiance now that President Bush is out of office.

She's excited to start community college next year and wants to be a cardiac surgeon. She's a little geeky (on purpose) and pretty and smart and I feel like the luckiest mom in the world to have these four wonderful souls in my life.

She was my hardest birth - 25.5 hours of labor and she was the smallest of them all at 5 1/2 lbs. Her online icon is now "I'm not short, I'm just unusually not tall." Like her mom, she's a big personality in a small package, and is kinder and less edgy than me. Her dad always said that she was me with tools (the tools I didn't get as a child). She used to say she wanted to build a house in the backyard so she could wave into my kitchen window from her kitchen window. She's expanded her horizons a bit now, but still wants to stay close to home. She likes an adventure, but likes to come home again at the end of it.

She's not afraid to stand up for herself, but she's kind in the way she does it.

My son said today, "I can't wait for my 5th birthday!" I jokingly told him that then I could send him to school. He replied, "No, five is still very little!" And he's right. He's still little, and especially so compared to Emma.

I love 13. I love the teen years, and I'm excited to share the rest of them with her (and the rest of the kids as they come through them).

Being poor is draining my spiritual bank

Because my husband is self-employed, and my ex-husband works out of state, the kids (and my husband and I) have qualified for state-funded insurance for a number of years.

Even when I worked at Xerox as a contractor, the insurance was so expensive through the agency that Tom and I went without for over a year. Going through the process is a soul-sucking experience. In the last county we lived in, the social workers were in a very urban area, and were impossible to work with. I ended up working with the Commissioner's Office after I was unable to get my caseworker switched. She always had a full voicemail, the voicemail system said it would route you to an operator but didn't, and was an infinite loop of bullshit. When I did manage to get her on the phone, she was extraordinarily rude, demeaning and treated me like trash.

I was never actually able to get her supervisor on the phone, despite leaving many, many messages. The paperwork was confusing (seemingly on purpose), and I honestly don't know how people with literacy problems or lacking in education were able to navigate the system at all (maybe they don't).

When we moved to our new house, we were in a different county, and it was a night and day experience. The people at social services are nice, causing me to break down in cry (I used to cry out of frustration, not anymore).

This year we made so little that all the kids qualified for Medicaid. I had to go to a facilitated enrollment center to do the paperwork. Lori was nice enough, but not really personable. She didn't offer to shake my hand, didn't offer me a seat, and didn't introduce me to the woman she was training. She was polite, but it was clear that I was a just a number, just an appointment to get through. I'm well-organized, so these things go smoothly, but when they tell me that, it seems patronizing - they often make comments that put down the other people who come in, who aren't so organized.

On my drive home, I found myself wondering why people like Lori are doing the job they are in. There are certainly jobs that I've had that I haven't been passionate about, but I have a really strong work ethic, and always go beyond the call of duty (or move on, if it's that crappy of a job!). Any job or volunteer position that I've had where I was in human services, or working directly with people in a support role has been something I would not define as ministry. Not the religious kind, but work that I had a personal passion for and could focus on each individual person as just that - a real person, with real needs, a real story. They were never just a number to me. There were people that were difficult to work with, but often, that was why they were there -because they were lacking tools and resources to navigate our complicated world.

Our US culture is so very classist - it's hard to even admit to being poor. My church community really has no idea how close to the bone we live. And it's not for lack of trying or hard work. When I go to the social services office, it depletes my spirit. People are sad, and brisk and sometimes say hurtful things. There are people that are lazy or take advantage, but there are also a lot of people who just need help because of circumstances created by our culture.

I just have to wonder how people end up in these jobs if it's not for caring about helping those who are struggling. I can't imagine any other reason for doing it; it can't be an easy job to do.

This train of thought is connected to the conversation over at The Journey. (see comments there for more). I know that I have a hard time admitting that I'm no longer middle class. We have a good life. We have more than most of the world; but in this culture, in our country, we are barely making ends meet (and aren't, most months). Despite all that, I intend to go to seminary this fall, because I believe that my calling is part of the big picture. We will never be wealthy (unless we win the Lotto!) but we will be OK in the long run.

The downturning economy is going to make a lot of people look at their preconceptions about wealth and what they prioritize in their lives. I wonder if that will help the climate around classism change at all? Because I grew up in a college town, I have a lot of educational privilege that serves me well as a UU; my husband not so much. He's on a church strike right now and has been before, often because he feels that as a faith, we look like rich surburbanites "empowering" poor urban dwellers. The WAY we walk the walk is still hurtful in the same way that those burnt out social workers can be hurtful to the shy soul within.

I come back again to radical hospitality. Do we really make all seekers feel welcome? No. Are all seekers going to find what they want at a UU church? No. But just because they don't fit our normal expectations for "class" or politics, we shouldn't be making them feel unwelcome. We spend a lot of time watching our language in LGBT issues and race issues. We need to broaden that hospitality to class issues.

And a personal annoyance; our ushers, parking lot attendants, and greeters are all getting extraordinarily lazy about being hospitable. I haven't had one greeter or usher actually greet me in weeks unless I make a point of making eye contact and greeting them first. And many of them *know* me! How does this feel to the newcomer? It is to make me bang my head against the wall.