Mean Girls

So, I am all annoyed and feminista on the asses of girls who call their friends "whores" or "dressing promiscuously," or maybe they are just really "asking for it?" I mean really. I must be getting old, because I'm really starting to identify with those women who get pissed at my generation for not being feminist enough. Raising teenage daughters has me convinced, OK? Women are still getting the short end of the stick - but too often, from each other.

What is up with girls participating in this crazymaking behavior? Why are women of any age, who are comfortable with their sexuality, a threat? Why does it make other women crazy? Why do men feel they have to stomp out this behavior (unless it benefits them?) OK, I know I'm making some generalizations here. I apologize. But it seems to me as if society is moving awfully slowly in treating women as equals, and as more than their body parts, or their assumed sexuality, or sexual behavior (often incorrectly assumed, btw).

And why is it that women are uncomfortable confronting this behavior?

Yes, I have become a raging feminist. Sue me.

Human Rights

I think that all of our government officials right down the line should read this report.

Simple and brilliant.

Duh.

To Be Born or Not To Be Born: That is the Question - Rev. Sam Trumbore - timesunion.com - Albany NY

To Be Born or Not To Be Born: That is the Question - Rev. Sam Trumbore - timesunion.com - Albany NY

I am really interested in Rev. Trumbore's question. I have always been an ardent pro-choice person, but in hearing some personal stories of people who are very against late-term abortion because of their own experience with parenting disabled children, and incorrect diagnoses during their pregnancies (which if the advice to abort had been followed, would have been catastrophic in terms of having a wonderful child in their life), I have had a shift in my thinking.

My congregation has started working intensely with reproductive rights this year, and I have mixed feelings about it, quite honestly. I guess I am ambivalent because I wonder if the groups that we recommend are really objective and provide good counseling and education about a woman's options and in offering support, or if they have an agenda that is slanted toward abortion without adequate preparation and support.

Time for me to find out more!

Thoughts?

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Integration

I've had a lot of "chore" type of stuff to do lately: flight and hotel reservations, other travel plans, paperwork for school and UUA track stuff, insurance issues and finding old records, dealing with the nursing home where my dad is.

Things are gearing up for school; it's really happening, but sometimes the excitement gets lost in all the paper.

But last night, I got to sit in a room with 7 other people on this journey. Seminarians, ministers, seekers all. There are some things about ministerial formation and vocation that are unique. Things that it is impossible to explain to friends and family; things that your congregational minister can no longer relate to, or shouldn't, since they're your minister and not your colleague just yet.

So my minsters encouraged me to set up a meeting with this vibrant group that is all right here, right now, and it was everything I hoped it would be.

It was so fabulous to talk with people about school, boundaries, cursing, parenting, experience, age, paths, God, prayer, being called, rituals, balance (or lack thereof!). I left the meeting uplifted and filled with overwhelming gratitude and joy.

I have a lot of challenges in my day to day life, and a lot of gifts, but being called to ministry has been such a transformational process, with lots more to come throughout the course of my life. I am thrilled to have a group of people to share that with in real time, especially since I am a distance learner; I am missing that total immersion experience in school.

When I first started meeting with my spiritual advisor, integration was my biggest hurdle; that has happened naturally over the last year. Sometimes all the hats that I wear; all the pieces of the puzzle that is my life seem to be enmeshed in unhealthy ways that are hard to parse out and create boundaries around, but at other times, things integrate in the most fabulous of ways. This has been one of those weeks.

I plan to enjoy it while it lasts.

Being poor is draining my spiritual bank

Because my husband is self-employed, and my ex-husband works out of state, the kids (and my husband and I) have qualified for state-funded insurance for a number of years.

Even when I worked at Xerox as a contractor, the insurance was so expensive through the agency that Tom and I went without for over a year. Going through the process is a soul-sucking experience. In the last county we lived in, the social workers were in a very urban area, and were impossible to work with. I ended up working with the Commissioner's Office after I was unable to get my caseworker switched. She always had a full voicemail, the voicemail system said it would route you to an operator but didn't, and was an infinite loop of bullshit. When I did manage to get her on the phone, she was extraordinarily rude, demeaning and treated me like trash.

I was never actually able to get her supervisor on the phone, despite leaving many, many messages. The paperwork was confusing (seemingly on purpose), and I honestly don't know how people with literacy problems or lacking in education were able to navigate the system at all (maybe they don't).

When we moved to our new house, we were in a different county, and it was a night and day experience. The people at social services are nice, causing me to break down in cry (I used to cry out of frustration, not anymore).

This year we made so little that all the kids qualified for Medicaid. I had to go to a facilitated enrollment center to do the paperwork. Lori was nice enough, but not really personable. She didn't offer to shake my hand, didn't offer me a seat, and didn't introduce me to the woman she was training. She was polite, but it was clear that I was a just a number, just an appointment to get through. I'm well-organized, so these things go smoothly, but when they tell me that, it seems patronizing - they often make comments that put down the other people who come in, who aren't so organized.

On my drive home, I found myself wondering why people like Lori are doing the job they are in. There are certainly jobs that I've had that I haven't been passionate about, but I have a really strong work ethic, and always go beyond the call of duty (or move on, if it's that crappy of a job!). Any job or volunteer position that I've had where I was in human services, or working directly with people in a support role has been something I would not define as ministry. Not the religious kind, but work that I had a personal passion for and could focus on each individual person as just that - a real person, with real needs, a real story. They were never just a number to me. There were people that were difficult to work with, but often, that was why they were there -because they were lacking tools and resources to navigate our complicated world.

Our US culture is so very classist - it's hard to even admit to being poor. My church community really has no idea how close to the bone we live. And it's not for lack of trying or hard work. When I go to the social services office, it depletes my spirit. People are sad, and brisk and sometimes say hurtful things. There are people that are lazy or take advantage, but there are also a lot of people who just need help because of circumstances created by our culture.

I just have to wonder how people end up in these jobs if it's not for caring about helping those who are struggling. I can't imagine any other reason for doing it; it can't be an easy job to do.

This train of thought is connected to the conversation over at The Journey. (see comments there for more). I know that I have a hard time admitting that I'm no longer middle class. We have a good life. We have more than most of the world; but in this culture, in our country, we are barely making ends meet (and aren't, most months). Despite all that, I intend to go to seminary this fall, because I believe that my calling is part of the big picture. We will never be wealthy (unless we win the Lotto!) but we will be OK in the long run.

The downturning economy is going to make a lot of people look at their preconceptions about wealth and what they prioritize in their lives. I wonder if that will help the climate around classism change at all? Because I grew up in a college town, I have a lot of educational privilege that serves me well as a UU; my husband not so much. He's on a church strike right now and has been before, often because he feels that as a faith, we look like rich surburbanites "empowering" poor urban dwellers. The WAY we walk the walk is still hurtful in the same way that those burnt out social workers can be hurtful to the shy soul within.

I come back again to radical hospitality. Do we really make all seekers feel welcome? No. Are all seekers going to find what they want at a UU church? No. But just because they don't fit our normal expectations for "class" or politics, we shouldn't be making them feel unwelcome. We spend a lot of time watching our language in LGBT issues and race issues. We need to broaden that hospitality to class issues.

And a personal annoyance; our ushers, parking lot attendants, and greeters are all getting extraordinarily lazy about being hospitable. I haven't had one greeter or usher actually greet me in weeks unless I make a point of making eye contact and greeting them first. And many of them *know* me! How does this feel to the newcomer? It is to make me bang my head against the wall.

Moral dilemmas

I was doing some research and came across this recent article on Israel and Gaza.

It says much of what I have been feeling about the issue, and also about feeling tongue-tied about speaking up about this particular violence. How do religious leaders speak out about violence, even religious violence, and still respect the global religious plurality that is growing?

The author says:
The choice for progressive Christian leaders today is not between guilt-ridden silence and full-throated denunciation of Israeli policy and Israeli aggression. It is certainly not a choice between keeping silent and presuming to lecture Jews on Judaic ethics. Rather, the choice lies between the kind of craven irresponsibility that continued silence represents and a public moral stance that accords well with Obamian aspiration: What kind of country do we want to be?

I think we need to broaden this question beyond our national borders and this particular issue. What kind of humans do we want to be? Supporting through silence, violence of any kind, is a kind of action in and of itself, is it not? Omission can be a sin.

Vermin and Circumcision, Redux

Well, the mouse is gone. No more poop to clean up for now! We had to wash a bazillion dishes last night, and without a dishwasher and with 6 people to wash for, that was an unwelcome addition and a waste of water. So that's taken care of, at least!

I've had some good comments on my last post - I had already looked at some of the websites that were recommended - thanks Mark! (after I posted), and found them to be helpful. I think that for me, circumcision is not a parenting issue, or even a religious issue, but a human rights issue. But for those that are fundamentalist in their views, and see circumcision as a convenant with God, it is one of those places where you just can't convince someone to be logical, because it conflicts with their religious beliefs. This is where the Unitarian part of me triumphs, because I am very much about seeing the proof, and just cannot take the Bible as the literal word of God, especially given the errors in translation and the cultural context of the times.

Hugh, thanks for your link as well - I am going to read through that and pass it on.

Steve, I am interested in this research as well and have not had time to peruse it, but a lot of what concerns me about infant circumcision (male, female, what have you) even in the west, is that it is done with no anesthesia - there is still some sort of mistaken belief that infants cannot feel pain. And there are also risks associated with circumcision, including death (though rare, here).

I don't see immunization as falling into the category of mutilation or unnecessary surgery though. However, as a side note, I am one of those annoying parents who breastfeeds in part because of the immunities passed on, and delays vaccinations, and then insists that they be given one at a time, rather than the 4-7 (including multiple vaccines like DTaP) because there is no way to tell what a child is reacting to if they are getting a bunch of shots all at once. Informed choice and research is a good thing when you're dealing with small bodies and medications of any sort. There is certainly a lot of contrpversial research around the effects of immunizations on people, and the alarming rise in all sorts of illness in the last 60 years since they have become mandated.

Slogging through

This personal growth stuff is a drag sometimes, lemme tell ya. I keep growing, and then I am happy at my progress, and then dontcha know, I find out that no matter how much I have grown, I have more, and more, and more...it's exhausting.

I had a productive meeting with my spiritual advisor this morning. I'd missed her, as we had a long break over the holidays. Thanks (I think I want to thank him, and not kick him ) to David Markham at UU a Way of Life for turning me on to a book on Borderlines which my sister sent me, I have been having a huge paradigm shift, which incidentially, is related to a lot of stuff I was already working on as part of the paradigm shift of having a ministerial vocation.

I was really, really pissed off that nobody ever put a name to what she is before. Not who she is, but what she is. One thing that I struggle with in some of my relationships, especially with my children, and with people I have a hard time dealing with, I am really good at underreaction. Now I know why. So in addition to working on judgement vs. judgmentalism, I'm also working on accessing true compassion when I'm triggered by what I see as ingenuine drama in a situation. And I'm working on accessing compassion for my parents, both of them. I'd already been working on it, but now I have a different paradigm from which to work with.

I swear, I whipped through that book in two days, and I think I underlined most of the introductory chapters, and most of the three sections that described my mother and father, and was relieved to see that I had already accomplished most of the coping mechanisms described. And I was also able to shed new light on the progression of my mother's illness in her behavior and in her relationships to my sister and I, and the rest of her family. I'll never know what caused it...I have my suspicions, but no proof.

But here I am, with a new piece of the puzzle, trying to figure out where it goes, but knowing that because there are mysterious connections in the world, the feedback I've recently been given about compassion and judgment are connected to me being given the gift of knowing that there is a word for what ails my mother, and that my sister and I are not alone, or crazy.

I also had a really good talk with my advisor about my thoughts on abortion, and how it relates to the first principal, and how that is a conflict for some; and about the ethics of euthanasia - both animal and human. And about dealing with death and pastoral care and ... well, we had a really great hour that crammed a lot of stuff into it.

And today has been a blur - no hot water because the propane ran out, cold, snowy, two trips to the city, nothing to make for dinner...I'm heading to get the hot shower I deserve, then to do the dishes from yesterday, and finally to sit down with a cuppa hot cocoa and snuggle with my husband when he gets home! Lucky for him, he's been the recipient of most of my compassionate practice in recent months ;)

Unitarian Christianity, dignity and worth, and death

I don't have time to discuss in depth this moment, but I am reading Channing's sermon on the topic and am filled with humility. It's stunning to me that ministers preached like this to their congregations, not so long ago. And the courage to stand up in a predominately Christian culture and proclaim such things, to me rivals the courage of those who stood against Calvin. For sure, Channing probably doesn't fear being executed for his views, but there are certainly potentional serious repercussions.

Very powerful stuff. A good way to start the day.

Penguin hung on through the night and is in X-Ray right now; I am waiting for a call back. He's doing poorly, so I doubt it will end well, but I feel that we made the right decision to let him fight.

I've been struggling with both ends of life, and death this week. My friend and I had a deep and loving discussion about our different views on abortion. One reason she will not return to the UU church is because she abhors it's support for abortion rights, and feels that it goes against the principle of the inherent worth and dignity of every person - both because, most especially in late-term abortions, the unborn is often viable, and in the sense that in her mind, it allows women to accept the murders of such viable life in a horrific fashion. She presented this argument in a way that I have never been touched before by the tenets of pro-life argument, and I am still struggling with it. Granted, we all have our personal experiences that inform us in these beliefs, and hers and mine have been quite different, but I have had a new vista of belief and thought opened up to me.

On the other end of life, I was standing with the vet yesterday and felt a moral and spiritual difficulty with the choice to euthanize. I do understand that Penguin is not a person... but as a part of our family, he is afforded some dignity and worth. I think it's about choice on some level. I believe that the terminally ill, with free will, should be able to choose to die when their quality of life, in their own view, has exhausted itself. But how can I make that choice for another, even a cat, whose will to live continues to burn so strongly that he survived hours beyond what we thought he could. I would have been playing God and I could have been right, or wrong. I won't know ever. But I suspect I'll be asked again within the hour to play "God," and I don't know what to do.

These guys look cranky

Vatican Issues Instruction on Bioethics


Seriously, what's up with all the glumness in this picture. Doom and Gloom.