Saturday, April 25, 2009

Healing thoughts

One of Soren's former teachers is suffering from cancer and is not doing well.

One of my best friend's is going through a terrible loss, as her BIL was killed in a car accident in TX yesterday afternoon.

both of these families have tremendous amounts of community and familial support but good thoughts and love being sent their way are very welcome.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Why the Bush torture architects must be prosecuted: A counter-terror expert speaks out

Why the Bush torture architects must be prosecuted: A counter-terror expert speaks out

Although I have to say that this quote:
Have no doubt: As a counterterrorism practitioner, should I find bin Laden I will cut his heart out with a plastic spoon. That would be about justice and revenge, not interrogation. But that job - finding him and bringing him to justice - has been made incalculably more difficult for our soldiers and intelligence officers around the world by these documents and what they mean."

makes me wonder if he's the best spokesperson against torture, or for justice.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


I have been slogging through my daily spiritual practice, trying to quiet the incessant chatter of my brain - I won't bore you with the tedious details of flotsam that hurl themselves around as I partake of my morning meditation walk.

Something about spring though - the cessation of gray, damp, cold days; the return of birdsong, flowers, and milder air. The ability to walk for a mile without wearing an annoying hat. It's renewing my enthusiasm for prayer and meditation, just as I was thinking that maybe I should try something else for awhile.

Patience is a virtue, they say.

I finally found out who my school advisor is today! And will be able to start figuring out my schedule. I also found out that i probably have enough funds to take a class at the local seminary! So I'm weighing my options and getting excited.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

I knew I liked me some Bono

Bono talks up Easter.

Youth Spiritual Development

My oldest daughter is 13, and she's interested in Buddhism. This isn't something that is covered in the You the Creator curriculum that she's taking this year, and next year, she has OWL. She's too young for youth group.

I asked her a couple of months ago if our church was meeting her spiritual needs. It seems like an important thing to ask, given that it meets mine pretty darn well.

I called my minister, and explained my problem. We have three Buddhism Soul Matters groups, but they are all adult groups. So I have an appointment to meet with the other minister who organizes Soul Matters groups to see if one might be willing to take her on. She's OK with it, but the ministers realize now that if one kid is asking, there might be more who aren't getting their spiritual needs met by Sunday School.

I'll keep you posted as to what happens; I'm excited about some new opportunities for our kids!

Friday, April 17, 2009


I have not been thrilled with NY Gov. Patterson since he stepped into office, but today he redeemed himself at least a little!

Boy, was I pissed off at the quote that no faith support gay marriage! I wasn't very impressed with this church to begin with; now my feelings are further corroborated.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

At sea

I am having yet another shift in perception, approach, intention. The way my minister put it in a phone conversation this week as experiencing parallel processes. Man, this is one of those weeks where I want to go back to life before feeling called to the ministry; where I want to put my fingers in my ears and say, "lalalala, I can't hear you!"

And yet, as LE puts it so eloquently today:

I am overwhelmed with gratitude. And that is a cross I'm willing to bear. Total strangers, demonstrating love. I am surrounded by teachers. And so I may not have answers to all the rest of my questions, and my feelings of guilt, and my guilt at feeling guilt, because it's not about me, and all the swirling inside as my brain tries to process too much information. But I can commit myself to learning. I can commit myself to learning how to love with big open arms. Limitless undying love. And I can commit myself to being the one to give the love, when it's my turn.

I am feeling part of, yet separate from things; a participant, yet an observer of life, and it's disconcerting and exhausting and I feel like crying today (well, impending PMS probably doesn't help, but still).

At church, I sit through the sermons and experience them and learn from them; yet I also am taking mental note of things that work well, that I enjoy, that people mention moved them.

I sit in small group, and am grateful for the skillful facilitation and expansion of my soul; yet I am observing, learning how to be a better listener, to be a better facilitator; I take mental notes for future reference.

I am having serious angst over a close relationship right now; as I follow my path, becoming more aware of my inability to know intention other than my own, becoming a more intentional listener, growing in my ability to open my arms and love; I find myself torn between screaming frustration and judgment at my friend's interruptions, attempts to pick apart the intention of everyone in every interaction, ego, and hurtful things they say AND my higher self's observation of the love they have within them, the respect for their own journey and where they've been and what experiences have formed who they are, and overwhelming love and gratitude for the closeness we've had but that seems to be slipping away as I walk a different line in my spirituality, my parenting, my intention toward the greater world.

I am humbled and pained by my struggle to avoid judgment and by how being transformed makes everything both clearer and murkier.

I am filled with joy and gratitude; and loss and sorrow of my more (innocent?) ignorant and egotistical self!

I am filled with anger and forgiveness; I am filled with humility and ego; I am in the moment and observing it at the same time; I am filled with judgement and love; I am struggling with boundaries and inclusion; all of this taking up the same head and heart space.

Yeah, some days I just want to pull the blankets back over my head. It's hard work.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Computer Purgatory

I have been of the "out of pocket" variety for a few days now. My hard drive is officially dead, but it turns out it was under warranty, so as soon as I get the FedEx label, I can ship it off and get a whole new computer. Thankfully I had a backup from about a month ago, but still. Ugh. I was able to recreate my lay sermon and readings and such for Sunday, and give it, and it went really well!

I'm at my office right now, killing time with 2 kids while one kid has Cabaret rehearsal.

Many deep thoughts happening, just not any time to write them down lately! Ahh, I look forward to the lazy days of summer!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

too fun!


We have been busy; all the end of year activities, plays, performances, potlucks, etc., with no end in sight until the first of June. We're also working on end of year homeschooling testing, which stresses out my oldest daughter to no end.

The house is not in the condition I'd like it to be, and today was to be a catch up day, but I wanted to spend the day researching vacuum cleaners and cell phone plans, because both need to be replaced soon. That took a lot longer than I anticipated, plus I had a lovely conversation with the girls' dad...and then my hard drive died. Just like that. It made a weird sound, everything locked up and now it is not recognized by my laptop.

It has my sermon for Sunday on it and hasn't been backed up since I wrote it. I have a print out, but I had the whole Order of Service w/ the sermon in one document and was going to print it out today.

Ex-dh is going to look at it for me, but I am not feeling hopeful about it.


Monday, April 6, 2009

Moving down the path

I know I mentioned I had my NERSCC meeting/evaluation a couple of weeks ago. I haven't gotten the recommendation yet, but I'll wait another week to send a note. I did send a thank you note, but I know he's just returning from sabbatical and is swamped.

One of the pivotal things about that meeting is that he put into words something that has been in my mind for some time. I'm moving from a place of identifying with "being called" to the ministry to one of ministerial formation.

I recognize that as people move from one role to another, that they struggle to align themselves with their transformation. One thing that's been difficult for me lately is that I could really use the advice/listening ear of my spiritual advisor, whom I can't afford to pay, and in lieu of that, would benefit from talking with my ministers about some life challenges.

However, I'm hesitant to contact them, because as I'm moving toward resuming my education, and other parallel paths along the ministerial path, I would like to at least appear to have my sh*t together, even if I am human, like everyone, even ministers, and I am having a hard time making a move to talk to them. Isn't that stupid?

I'm sure this is one of my growing edges; my awareness of new boundaries and personal competencies (or failings). There are other ways in which my personal relationship with my church is shifting. I feel like I'm present, yet moving through it, as I move into preparing to minister myself in the next few years or so. Everything has a new light around it, and I have a new way of looking at and evaluating things that is a bit disconcerting. I feel like I have gained and lost something as I move into this new phase of my transformation. It's a bit lonely.

Maybe when I start school, I'll find that I'm not so alone in this experience.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

The minister of QVC

I had a hilarious discussion with my mom last week. She thinks that with my communications degree, I should go to work for QVC and become one of those ladies who sells stuff that nobody needs, and make six digits. I mentioned that I thought this might possibly be the polar opposite of going into the ministry.

My mom insists that it's very ministerial because the hosts talk about their lives, give good advice, and well, they get to go on amazing vacations!



Soren had a meet today. She got a medal for 4th on bars and 9th on beam. She was happy. Vault and floor were not strong points today. Her team took first place and she looked ecstatic as always. I think they have won first place at every meet except one (2nd place) this year. What an amazing group of girls! Emma and Lucy were with me, so we had a girl's day out, while the boyz stayed home and ostensibly did boy things. Like laundry ;). It was still warm and sunny when we got home so I did some raking and shot some hoops with Soren until Lucy got hit in the head with a basketball, poor sweetie.

A nice day!!