Tuesday, April 14, 2009

At sea

I am having yet another shift in perception, approach, intention. The way my minister put it in a phone conversation this week as experiencing parallel processes. Man, this is one of those weeks where I want to go back to life before feeling called to the ministry; where I want to put my fingers in my ears and say, "lalalala, I can't hear you!"

And yet, as LE puts it so eloquently today:

I am overwhelmed with gratitude. And that is a cross I'm willing to bear. Total strangers, demonstrating love. I am surrounded by teachers. And so I may not have answers to all the rest of my questions, and my feelings of guilt, and my guilt at feeling guilt, because it's not about me, and all the swirling inside as my brain tries to process too much information. But I can commit myself to learning. I can commit myself to learning how to love with big open arms. Limitless undying love. And I can commit myself to being the one to give the love, when it's my turn.

I am feeling part of, yet separate from things; a participant, yet an observer of life, and it's disconcerting and exhausting and I feel like crying today (well, impending PMS probably doesn't help, but still).

At church, I sit through the sermons and experience them and learn from them; yet I also am taking mental note of things that work well, that I enjoy, that people mention moved them.

I sit in small group, and am grateful for the skillful facilitation and expansion of my soul; yet I am observing, learning how to be a better listener, to be a better facilitator; I take mental notes for future reference.

I am having serious angst over a close relationship right now; as I follow my path, becoming more aware of my inability to know intention other than my own, becoming a more intentional listener, growing in my ability to open my arms and love; I find myself torn between screaming frustration and judgment at my friend's interruptions, attempts to pick apart the intention of everyone in every interaction, ego, and hurtful things they say AND my higher self's observation of the love they have within them, the respect for their own journey and where they've been and what experiences have formed who they are, and overwhelming love and gratitude for the closeness we've had but that seems to be slipping away as I walk a different line in my spirituality, my parenting, my intention toward the greater world.

I am humbled and pained by my struggle to avoid judgment and by how being transformed makes everything both clearer and murkier.

I am filled with joy and gratitude; and loss and sorrow of my more (innocent?) ignorant and egotistical self!

I am filled with anger and forgiveness; I am filled with humility and ego; I am in the moment and observing it at the same time; I am filled with judgement and love; I am struggling with boundaries and inclusion; all of this taking up the same head and heart space.

Yeah, some days I just want to pull the blankets back over my head. It's hard work.


ms. kitty said...

Ah, Kelly, we have all been there and we continue to be there on occasion. We would love for our friends to treat us the way we try to treat them, for our preachers to preach the way we think they ought to, and for ourselves to be the paragons of virtue we wish others would be! Aint' it 1. great, 2. awful 3. all of the above to be human? and humans whose job it is to describe that human condition and its meaning?

Hang in there! You're learning from all of it and that's the prize.

Kelly KH said...

Ms. Kitty, thank you for your kind words and commiseration. I know that I need to be with and talk with others who are struggling with this walk and am anxiously looking forward to the fall and school starting, to having money to meet with my spiritual mentor, and to hopefully organize some local seminarians to meet once in a while to chat and have some togetherness.

And yes! Learning is the prize. I am trying to keep my eye on that :)

ms. kitty said...

What a great strategy for working some of this out---a group of peers who are struggling with the same thing. Good for you! Seminary is a really hard time for us, I think, because of the conundrums we face as our self-understanding changes. But it's also a place of renewal. You'll make it, I'm sure.

Kelly KH said...

Thanks for the vote of confidence!

I know that for myself, having support and peers that I can look to for modeling and to help me reflect on my own journey (and theirs!) is a vital piece of my growth process (and always has been!).