Yummy Day

A perfect summer day - no humidity, around 80F, and less bugs. I loved my meditation walk this morning and actually got some peace from it. I've had a hard time letting go of intruding lists lately, so this was good. And I've got a lot of money stress again, so it was a real coup.

Chickens: yard time. Check.

Yard and gardens: Weeding. Check

Veggies: Fresh corn picked and cooked within the hour. Check.
Ditto with fresh gazpacho with cukes picked fresh. Chillin' in fridge. Check.

Kids fed, happy, and in bed. Check.

House. Semi-vacuumed. Check.

Took Jude to the doc for expected verdict of virus and a lab slip for a salmonella check. Lab was closed though. Surprise - He LOVED the male doc, totally cooperated for him and his male nurse (who used to be our doc's nurse and I love), and wants to switch to this doctor. If it means cooperating and effective health care, I'm all for it. I feel guilty though. I adore our doctor and love that we all see the same person, but Jude just doesn't jive with her when he needs to be checked out. She's a little too forward and loud and funny for him. Dr. Howe is a guy (major points in Jude's book), mellow, let me take Jude's temp, and explained everything before he touched him. So I will figure out how to make the switch on our insurance and break it to Dr. Jeanne. He will still see her if Dr. H. isn't available, and when we visit with the other kids or me, so it's no like she'll never see him. And they're in the same practice.

I'm reading First the Ecstacy, Then the Laundry. That pretty much sums up my questions and struggles with integrating my spiritual life with the rest of my life. I'm anxious to get past the intro and into the meat of it. I'm also sporadically reading "Are You Running with Me, Jesus?" which is somehow a charming book of my kind of prayers.

Off to watch 24. I had a yummy dream about Kiefer Sutherland last night which morphd into a yummy dream about hubby ;). Like Hubby would jump off a building and grab onto a helicopter, but I guess that's why they're dreams!

I hate the fact that I have to put a title here, I mean, really...

Well, of course Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett are dead.I have to say that the NYT coverage of both people was pretty negative. I guess honest, however, as much as we can know for sure about public figures.

I am enjoying all the GA posts, and more sad that I can't be there, but am enjoying this link that I didn't know about that details the Berry Street lectures.

I am also SO tired. I can't believe how one day of walking, sun and water took it out of me. I feel like I could sleep for a week.

I am finally feeling an urge to read again (and the attention to do so; I've been held to Reader's Digest and Country Magazine articles for too long now), and am looking for ideas; of course I have my required reading list from the UUA, but just ordered a book of poems by Mary Oliver. I don't even particularly like poetry, but I like hers. I was exposed to her work at Wellspring and fell in love with it. Her words just pour spirit in waves.

And the lawn is still growing into field...off to find a repair place tomorrow. I can't take anymore.

Dawkins; The God Delusion

I've just started it, and almost didn't make it through the preface because of the plethora of generalizations, which had me agreeing with Chris Hedges on the "New Atheists" as he calls them - a new kind of fundamentalist, just as dangerous as any other kind of fundy.

I haven't gotten beyond the first couple of chapters, but I do have to say that there are places i really agree with him about religion and religious faith. As a former Catholic, I was snickering about many of his points about how far beyond the Trinity have gone. I don't know how theologically sound he is and am not very far in, but it seems to be a maddening blend of atheist fundamentalism and on-target criticisms of the very things that often befuddle me about faith and established religion. As always, I"m interested in others' thoughts...I know, i could go google millions of discussions about this book, but who has the time?

Onward!

Papework and books

I spent many (too many) hours today working on scholarship application materials. I haven't even written any essays yet; just the financial application part (minus the tax info I'm waiting on), and revamping my resume was exhausting. I have sent it out for feedback, because I've been doing chronological resumes for so many years, it was quite a switch to a different format. I looked at clergy sites and resume examples, and hope that I did a good job. The objective part was a bit of a stumper though.

I went to the library yesterday while waiting for gymnastics to be over, and picked up Marianne Williamson's Illuminated Prayers and Dawkins' The God Delusion. I've heard mixed reviews about Dawkins, depending on who reads it (lay or clergy) so am interested to see what I think myself.

I loved the first prayer in Williamson's book (I take it she's written quite a lot, but I picked her up purely on a whim; it seems to have been divinely inspired ). It says beautifully what I stumble around and pray for every morning:

Dear God,
As I wake up this morning
may Your spirit come upon me
May my mind receive
Your emanations,
my soul receive
Your blessing,
and my heart receive
Your love.
May all those I meet
or even think of on this day
feel better for it.
May I contribute peace.
May I serve Your purposes
with all I say and do,
today and always.
Please show me how.
Amen

Amen indeed! I think I may have to ask for this book as a present; no money in the budget for books right now, unfortunately. I am also coveting one that our Wellspring facilitator has - Praying the Word. It is gorgeous. Oh, and while I'm being covetous, I want a singing bowl too!

I also picked up a new Stephanie Meyer book to share with my daughter (The Host), and she started a series that I'll probably read as well, if I have time. I have been in a good schedule with keeping up with the house since I can't find a job, but it takes a lot of time. I'm also working hard on having the kids on more of a routine, which is also working well, but takes a lot of my time.

The rest of this week will be spent getting as much scholarship paperwork as I can stand, done and ready to mail, as soon as I get my taxes back. Then I can do the FAFSA as well, and send a FA form to the YMCA for the girls to hopefully go to camp in the summer.

I hate paperwork. But I did love starting my morning off with lighting my chalice, reading, and then having a more focused walking meditation afterward. My whole day felt much more balanced.

Until my ulcer acted up. I'm sure it's the paperwork.

On the homestretch

I have less than a month of school left for my BA. I am having a good semester. I just got another perfect score on a paper - that is the 5th one this semester, and I anticipate another two as soon as I get my grades for my latest projects. The comments from my professors have been uplifting and helpful, which is a gift.

I've also been studying UU history through Wellspring and am enjoying the reading we're doing. The curriculum is listed at the website if anyone is interested. It's a great primer! The last two sessions we covered For Faith and Freedom: A Short History of Unitarianism in Europe, by Charles Howe.
• Chapter 1, “As For the Trinity….”
• Chapter 2, “The Life and Death of Michael Servetus”
• Chapter 3, “The Double Life of Michael Servetus”
• Chapter 6, “Francis David and the Rise of Unitarianism in Transylvania”
• Conclusion
and

Universalism in America: A Documentary History of a Liberal Faith, edited by
Ernest Cassara. Read Chapter 1: “Two Centuries of Universalism, 1741-1961:
A Brief Historical Sketch”

I find it absolutely fascinating, and am for the first time in my life, truly taken by history. I do feel handicapped going into the ministry lacking much education on theology and religious history. I'm overwhelmed by the sheer number of denominations out there in Christianity alone, and the history of them, but at least the UU piece is becoming a tad clearer to me.

I have one more media project and an essay, a final paper in one class, a short paper and a final term paper in the final class, plus weekly discussion topics for the next 4 weeks. I am so anxious to get through it all! I have my Meadville Lombard interview coming up in a couple of weeks, which I very excited about! I haven't heard anything from Colgate, but I know my application must be going to committee soon as well too. I've also sent for Harvard application materials as well, just for grins.

I'm also thoroughly addicted to the TV show Lost now, and am pacing myself to give myself time to do school work ;). I'm on my own with the littles tonight, so am taking a quick study break to journal before I wrestle them into bed. I actually got a short catnap with the baby today, which was lovely! That hasn't happened in a long time.

Jakob and I had a wonderful walk this morning. He frolicked through the falling snow - we got several more inches, and I absolutely relished his unfettered joy. He has such a love for the fluffy stuff; it gives me a daily appreciation, which is good, since I'm already about tired of it! We have at least 8 inches on the ground now. Incidentally he's the first dog I've owned that could destroy a Kong toy.

My daughter's first gymnastics meet is tomorrow afternoon, so no church for me; it would be a rush to leave and get across the city. She's with her dad, so I already wished her good luck, and I can't wait to see how she does; she's been working really hard from what I can tell.

It has been a quiet weekend, filled with study and small child needs - Lucy is asking for Dada right now, but he's at work till 2 a.m. We had a nice family day today though (minus him chopping wood for quite some time), and I'm looking forward to another tomorrow.

I am very much looking forward to Thanksgiving week.

Wellspring, Theology, and RE

Yesterday, I had the honor of attending the Wellspring orientation. Honestly, what I think was so wonderful about it was how much silence there was. Certainly, we were talked at quite a bit, but I spend my days surrounded by children and adults who talk, talk, talk. It was very healing to me to have a day where I spoke very little, except at lunchtime, and when asked to as part of communication exercises on empathic listening.

I felt so refreshed at the end of the day, and it was hard to go back to my family - as it turns out, my entire family, as we were having a family birthday party for Jude at my mother-in-law's house. It was hard to hold on to the feeling of peace I left church with, but I tried.

One of the things that I enjoyed the most was getting to walk the labyrinth. We have such a beautiful property at the church; it's a hidden gem of nature, and the labyrinth is no exception. I have not had a chance to walk it before, but really got a lot out of the experience. We did it as a group, and I had to really push myself out of my comfort zone to do that; experiencing mystery is a very private thing for me, but one of my reasons for attending Wellspring, in addition to preparing for seminary, is to be more genuine and outwardly spiritual. To let joy flow in and out of me, and to "let my light shine" so to speak.

Some other personal goals include:
being more intentional (about making connections, being intimate with my heart and others, about being open to possibility, about finding joy, and about finding God in every single day, and about forgiveness of myself and others)

I want to maintain a sense of humor and humility (lessons from the labyrinth) and let go of fear. All good goals for the next 10 months, I think!

I had a really basic epiphany while walking. It was a very personal, individual journey, but it was very comforting to have fellow travelers, which I didn't expect. It was good to be able to focus on the earth under my bare feet at times, and at others, to meet someone's eyes and smile in solidarity, or companionship.

Another awakening was regarding my need for spiritual privacy - I really think it stems from learning in childhood to be secretive and guarded - I am very self-conscious and afraid of "not doing it right." At one point during the labyrinth, it seemed very long, and even though the leader told us before we started that there was one way in, and one way out, I became convinced that I alone must be doing it wrong. I thought that I must have bypassed the center, or taken some wrong turning that would leave me wandering for hours, never reaching the center, or the way out.

Of course, I realized the ridiculousness as soon as I had the thought, and had a good laugh at myself. I found humor and humility on that walk, as well as awakening and companionship. A lot to gain in a half hour of meditation.

It was also a gift to be able to sit and watch others walk the labyrinth - I had to wonder if they felt self-conscious, as I did; or if they could put it aside in more intentional meditation. Of course, I'm sure there are a range of thoughts.

Our first reading is A Hidden Wholeness, by Parker J. Palmer. The moderators raved about it, and I was able to pick up a copy today at Barnes & Noble. I must admit though that I'm already having trouble with some of his theories about the soul. I'm making copious notes, and journaling about it. I also got a new, red Moleskine journal while I was there, just for Wellspring. Well, I'll try! I tend to use my journals for all kinds of things, and am feeling vulnerable about journaling much that is deep right now.

I taught the Chalice Children (4 yo's) at church today, and missed the sermon, but it was great fun. The kids made chalices from play-dough and decorated them with sequins, feathers, and shaped pasta. We talked a bit about our class covenant and how we want to treat each other, as well as what we enjoy about church, and what people do there. I drew some parallels between their RE class, and what the adults do during the service. (And that we all like snack!)

I read Old Turtle, which was a little uncomfortable for me, as I'm trying to get comfortable with the terms God and Spirit and Soul and how to incorporate them into my own beliefs, and I'm not sure how the support parent felt about it, but the kids enjoyed the story. Jude said he liked it best when I made my voice like thunder!

In the car, I asked him what he thought God might be like, and he said it was a knight with a sword on his back. Apparently, Jude sees a God of Vengeance against monsters! A good 4 yo response.

Anyway, back to Palmer, I have some initial reactions.

First, I disagree with Palmer's premise that "all of us arrive on earth with souls in perfect form" (34). I don't have any more proof than Palmer does for my opinion, but some of his reasoning doesn't seem to support his claim, or at the very least, muddies the waters. He says that people have a "birthright nature" (32) and that the True Self (33) or the soul, the objective, ontological reality of selfhood (which by many philosophers is considered a circular argument anyway), that keeps us from the diminishments of our humanity. (emphasis mine).

I'm still trying to figure this out, and more wise minds than mine will weigh in, I'm sure. My question is, if the soul is our higher nature, and is objective, and it "keeps us from the diminishments of our humanity the threaten the quality of our lives," how can we separate that very soul from the humanity that makes us unique individuals? I have a hard time separating the idea of spirit or true self from the humanity that makes us who we are.

Why would each person's individual spark or soul all be in perfect form upon arrival/birth? If we are each an individual, it doesn't seem to follow that each unique person would arrive with the same purity of spirit, especially, if as Palmer says, souls are objective. Objectivity doesn't equal purity, does it?

He also spends a long paragraph describing all the negative things in the world that influence our supposedly pure spirit and put it at risk, but neglects to mention all the wonderful and positive things that also exist in our world that can uplift the soul. He also accuses us of having negative values that are internal (integral to our humanity?), which conspire with external enemies of the soul. If we are born with the perfect soul, where do these internal impulses come from? Are we so instantly sullied by our humanity once our physical bodies enter the world? I'm sure there is some practical theology that I'm lacking here that would help to explain his position, but although I'm interested in it, I'm not sure I'd be swayed by it. The arguments seem to be lacking in something, which is making it hard for me to see him as someone who can lead me into becoming more whole and integrated (which incidentially, is one of the reasons I'm participating in Wellspring).

He also claims that securalism contributes to our inattention (35) to our souls, but I honestly don't understand how he's defining secularism here - he calls it cynicism, which I think is a pretty narrow use of the word. Isn't there room for something in between hardcore religious belief and secularism to believe that we are born as unique individuals and that at the same time, we are are malleable (or objective, if you will) material that has a soul that is - neither imperfect or perfect, but part of our whole (!) humanity?

I don't know how much time I have to engage in too deep a conversation here about it, but I am absolutely interested in others' thoughts on my musings, and on Palmer's book.

Deeds, Not Creeds

I have days when I really question myself - my ability, my calling, my faith. Thankfully, I occasionally get external reminders that I'm not a complete loser ;). Yesterday, I got two of my prior learning evaluations for college, and they made me sound amazing! I think I'll put them on my website as testimonials or something ;). But really, it was a nice reminder that, despite my almost constant attention to parenting my four little wild heathens for the last 12 years, I have accomplished some pretty amazing things in my communities. I have not just talked the talk, but walked the walk. I have put my time, my family, my values on the line, and lived them. It's good to remind myself of that when I am struggling with feeling judgmental, or struggling with how to model the values that are important to me.

In A Chosen Faith, Forrest Church says:
"...the principal sin besetting many of us today is the sin of sophisticated resignation. This sin is particularly insidious because it comes with its own veil. That is, it appears respectable. It allows us to feel strongly about injustices without prompting us to do anything about them. This sin is tailor-made for many of us because it is fed by knowledge."

"Our heritage reminds us that we are a faith of deeds, not creeds."

"In face of this, we are left with two choices. One is to climb off our moral high horse; the other is to learn how to ride. Both are preferable to high-minded posturing and sophisticated resignation, but only the latter represents the promise and fulfillment of our faith."

As a mom of a large family, it is sometimes very easy for me to fall back on being an "idea person" rather than an "action person." It's hard to attend peace rallies on corners with 4children in tow. It's hard to attend film screenings with a toddler. It's hard to make phone calls to representatives when the kids have "phone radar" and start screaming as soon as the dial tone reaches my ear.

These aren't excuses; these are realities. But as someone who thrives on action, it's hard to remember that you can do everything, but not all at once. I do serve my community - I educate moms on birth and breastfeeding; I serve on the local homeschooling board, and put out a newsletter every month. I try to donate money to families who are struggling, or to bring meals to those who have a new baby, or a death in the family (I admit, this is not my strong point).

But, I can do deeds, even in small ways. My daughter and I talked about this, and my struggle to feel effective and not judgmental about the poverty and lack of education in our community. I can reach out in small ways to be the change.

Something else that we talked about is the fact that not everyone has the same opportunities. Church also points out his belief in a gray area between original sin and children born pure:

"Having observed my own children, I am ambivalent when it comes to these two positions, nature and nurture We are born with a capacity for both good and evil, and society contributes directly to the development of our aptitude for each. Einstein once said that God does not throw dice. I disagree. That is precisely what "God" does. Each fertilized egg is a throw of the dice, and so is the family, environment, nation, century, and set of opportunities - or lack thereof- into which we are born."

When I read this to my daughter, she said, "well, that's what you said yesterday. Were you quoting him?" I wasn't. So I must be doing something right; saying the right words, walking the walk.

Buehrens tells us, "...the difficult, ordinary heroism of unknown people in their daily lives is often more important than the inspiring words of their better-known leaders."

You and I, and my kids...we can all be the change, a day at a time, a deed at a time. Falling prey to sophisiticated resignation is easy to do, but as long as we keep action at the forefront of our minds - walking, not just talking - each one of us can make a difference.

Degree Review

I just found that my degree committee will convene on Oct. 7 to do a conceptual review (whatever that means). I have preliminary approval now, and hopefully my last evaluator will get in his letter approving my 8 credits prior to the conceptual review. Things continue apace. I swear, the bureaucracy is more difficult than the school work.

I'm reading this right now, and plan to make it assigned reading for my 12 year old this year for history. It will also help her to talk about our faith (as it is helping me) and give her a solid basis of historical understanding (as it is me). This is one of the best books I've read so far about religion in general - it doesn't pretend to be objective and it's not dry.

It also so far is articulating most of the reasons why I love UUism, and want to learn more and become involved in the ministry.

Being Open

I have a friend who is pretty isolated. She's had some rough times, and stays to herself in the hills. I count myself blessed that she is our friend, and she is like a surrogate mother to me at times. But I guess we can teach each other.

I have been ruminating on my encounter with the Christian homeschooling family, and my thoughts were clarified by a conversation with my friend yesterday. She told me that in her weekly trip to the post office, she met a man in the parking lot, and they ended up talking for a long time. He asked for her phone number and she refused, then gave her his and offered his church name for her to call to check him out (!). Pretty perceptive, I'd say.

She called me in a bit of a dither; not sure whether she was happy doing what she's been doing, or whether reaching out could bring joy into her life. I encouraged her to reach out, and said that I would do the same - I would try reconnecting with the family I met a few times and be open to the possibilities.

I called her this morning after starting Forrest Church's Love & Death. I read her a passage from the first chapter:

...death requires little courage at all. It is love that requires courage, because the people we love most may die before we do. Dare to love and we instantly become vulnerable...Love one another with all our heart and we place our hearts in jeopardy, one so great that the world as we know it can disappear between the time we pick up the telephone and when we put it down. ...

Every time we give our heart away, we risk having it dashed to pieces. Fear promises a safer path: refuse to gie away your heart and it will never be broken. And it is true, armoroed hearts are invulnerable. We can eliminate a world of trouble from our lives simply by closing our hearts...but it's necessary trouble...to avoid the risk of live is to cower from life's only perfect promise.

When I stopped reading, my friend told me that she had called him last night. I laughed and said that sometimes the universe keeps telling us something, and sometimes it smacks us upside the head. She laughed back and said that she found out that Sunday had been Friendship Day.

It was hard for her, but it ended up being a great opening conversation, with more to come. She told me that she wasn't sure what she had to give. I reminded her of how much she gives to my kids, and to us, and how much we love her and how much she loves us. She can't quantify that love - put it in a special box. It is transferable. If she can love us, she can love anyone.

...

Last night when I got home, my husband was in a really bad mood. He went to bed without seeing most of us for the whole day, and I went to bed angry. But in the spirit of risking my heart this morning, instead of holding a grudge and anger that isn't going to go anywhere, I hugged him, made sure he was OK, and told him to be careful today. We started out fresh, and I think he was grateful that I didn't make it harder.

Love is risk, but what's the alternative?

Reflective Learning

I'm really enjoying connecting all the learning in my classes together for the last two semesters. I'm able to use so much of each class in the others- partly because I chose them that way, and partly because of serendipity.

In my reflective learning class, we were...well, learning about how we learn, and the biological basis of learning. I had to do a final paper and did it on Spiritual Intelligence. I am not sure how much I buy of the science behind it, and there doesn't seem to be too much current research that I can put my fingers on, other than by Sisk, but it was neat to connect the idea of the God Spot, SQ, Multiple Intelligences, and biology together in one big theory about whether SQ exists, and if so, how we can improve upon it individually and collectively. Once I get my grade, maybe I'll post it here, if anyone is interested.

Have any readers out there done any research/reading on this?

Adversity Knocks

So after my pity-party the other day, I took some time to do necessary reading - not the schoolwork reading that is required for my classes, but some spiritual reading. I got out Everday Spiritual Practice, which I have yet to make everyday reading, and the next chapter that I was up to was entitled Adversity, by Barbara Merritt.

I honestly laughed out loud when I opened the book up. It was like one of those exercises where you randomly open the bible and put your finger down to find the verse that answers the question of life that is currently perplexing you. Yes, adversity is what I'm struggling with.

I go through these phases where I get really tired of adversity. I mean, really, haven't I had enough adversity in my life? Mentally ill, abusive parent; divorce; poverty; physically ill parent, etc. etc. etc.? When does it end? When do I get my trophy? Apparently...never. Which I know, but sometimes I take smooth sailing for granted and forget that there are new challenges ahead, and they are not meant to torture me. Rather the universe is giving me yet another opportunity to grow.

As Merritt says, "most of us seek [a spiritual practice] that will sooth, comfort, relax, and nourish us." Of course that makes sense. But even meditation, which I consider grounding and peaceful, has its moments, days, weeks of adversity. It can be a hard practice. Challenging. Nearly impossible.

And the best question she asks is "What relationship will we have to adversity?" That kicked my butt right out of pity party and into the active thinking and action itself that I'm known for. I'm a head-on kind of gal, but my spiritual practice is often to sit back and reflect. I need to spend time reflecting and coming up with methods for spiritual growth, and then testing them. (aka, the learning cycle in spiritual action!)

"Our will is not in charge, our desires are not running the world, our preferences are not preeminent."

"Adversity can be one of the great teachers of the soul."

I guess I have a lot of learning to do. Sometimes I think I must have been really, really stupid in a past life.

As Merritt says, a lot of spiritual discipline requires intentionality. Adversity comes right to our front door with no effort on our part at all. And it's how we use it that counts.

The other reading I did was from UU World, which showed up in my mailbox at a convenient time. There is a piece in this issue by esteemed minister and writer Forrest Church, who is dying of cancer.

He also addressed adversity. "Adversity doesn't always bring out the best in people. But the reason it so often does is because adversity forces us to work within tightly drawn limits. Everything within those limits is heightened. We receive as gifts things we tend to take for granted."

Merritt quotes Rumi's take on adversity: "It scatters the yellow leaves from the bough of the heart, in order incessant green leaves may grow. It uproots the old joy, in order that new delight may march in from the beyond."

When I most need to learn, the universe teaches. I just need to open my eyes.

Common Fire

I'm reading a book for a class called Common Fire: leading lives of commitment in a complex world.


It talks about a research project that looks at what sorts of things contribute to people being committed community builders - not just in their family, or their neighborhood, but in a broader sense.

The story of Emmanuel Jal is one about a child who was saved by someone willing to step outside her box. I think just reading the intro and listening to his song Emma is inspiring. Listen to it, and listen to the story if you have a chance. One person can make such a difference. Be the change.

Delusional

This is just a great thought-provoking post. I aim to read this book as soon as classes are over!

http://buggydoo.blogspot.com/2008/05/god-delusion.html