On becoming

 I remember when I first went to visit a spiritual director as part of small group ministry that I was involved in two years ago, and I told her, "I have done so much growing already...it's sometimes frustrating when I get glimpses of how much more I have to do." Chaplaincy training is another place where you face that realization just about every day.

Another conversation that ended up being very true was when the student chaplain at Meadville Lombard told my triad group (my triad met weekly for course work, and met with the chaplain monthly) that seminary was in a lot of ways a way of breaking us down into small pieces so we could put them all back together again - theologically, emotionally, sometimes even physically, due to the intense need for self care.

When I was a child, I was Catholic, and I had transcendent experiences of God. I had faith in a supernatural Father, and I prayed to Him, and felt His presence in my life. At some point though, existential questions of suffering in my life, and perhaps even a biology of atheism, took away that personal relationship with a Christian God (and it was always a relationship with God, not with Jesus, or even Mary, which is perhaps why it was so natural to become a Unitarian Universalist).

I continued to have transcendental experiences in my life - moments of becoming, of growing, of mystical connection with other people, with nature, with something more - and those experiences are what keep me an agnostic, that make me a person who is aware of the unknown, and of possibility, while still subscribing to Occam's Razor.  In a recent post about prayer, I explored some of my thoughts about prayer as a person of non-traditional faith, and I refound this quote that spoke to me. As a religious humanist, I am a cosmic theist, in that I believe in  the transcendent immanence of God, which some might call panentheism. However, I have not felt that personal transcendent experience of God (and I realize that is a loaded word) very often as an adult.

I remember being about 10, during the Cold War, and thinking about how infinitely stupid adults were, as a I lay awake, fearful of bombs falling on my house or my school. And I remember an image of physically tucking that thought away into the back of my 10 year old mind, and telling myself that I would never forget to realize that adults were stupid. That we complicate things unnecessarily for ourselves, which results in all sorts of negative consequences in our lives, our social networks, our world. More on this later.

This morning, when I was meditating, I felt God (again, that loaded word, especially for me, as an agnostic) as a presence. I believe in connections, in something greater than the sum our our living, aware parts. And that not only showed up for me this morning but has been with me, as a presence, in the room, all day. It's kind of frightening actually - I mean, I actually thought, perhaps I am having a mental breakdown of some sort ;).But, I am a levelheaded kind of gal, and I am pretty sure I know how this actual feeling of presence has come back into my life.

For some time now, I have been wrestling with prayer, my love of Catholic tradition from my childhood, and with how to make my daily spiritual practice more meaningful, which I have, through ritualistic meditation each day. But it hasn't been until the last 4 weeks of chaplaincy that I have prayed, really prayed with people. And the part where being as a child (as Jesus himself would remind us) comes in, is that it doesn't have to be complicated. I don't have to get caught up in the words God, or Jesus, or Christ, or heaven, or sin. My role as a chaplain is to be present with people, to help them be, to serve with humility. It doesn't really matter what I believe in that moment - it matters that I can connect with that person, and that we create something through our relationship in that moment. If I can let go of my baggage about semantics (and as a writer and editor for many years, many that know me well will know that's a difficult task), and just be in the moment of wonder and (God) and creation, then that has the potential to become transcendent.

This prayer that I have been engaged in and wrestled with, and felt awkward in and powerful in - that has changed my spiritual practice. Again:
"When I pray, the humanist in me is patient but nonplussed, asking who I think I am talking to, and I reply that I don't know, but I do it anyway, my breath casting words into the seemingly unanswering air. Perhaps it is only my need to make the universe personal and intimate. I know myself to be a personal and intimate being, and it seems not totally impossible that the powers which cast me with these qualities, which enables me to be both rational and poetic, may be the same as I, writ large." -- Frances E. West


Humanism is a based on reason and compassion - but that religious piece of humanism does not have to exclude God (or at least I take the liberty as a UU to say so).


And the question is so what? Why do I do this ministry? Now that I can catch my breath in week four, when I can think again about congregational work, community work, and chaplaincy, it becomes very clear that my moral authority as a minister is in not only becoming more authentically myself, but in journeying with others in their own journey of becoming. It's about right relation as a position of moral authority, and about radical hospitality. As a ministry, radical hospitality is breaking down that sin of disconnection that is the root of so much human pain and suffering. Ministry is about finding a theology that makes sense of that sin - not in the sense of predestination, or bargaining with some higher power, or even understanding it - but making sense of it and figuring out how to live our lives that we have the best we can.


One day, I dropped my son off at his Waldorf program and one of the church staff (where we meet) was being (in my mind) quite rude to a new mom who had parked in the wrong place. I was pretty ticked off about his behavior, and my son's teacher, Lynne, who is just a gentle saint of a woman, put her hand on my arm and gently said, "He's doing the best he can." In the moment, that answer didn't feel like enough, but now it does. Ministry is about helping people do the best they can, without judgment and with humility. And that includes me. Sometimes the best I can do doesn't feel like very much, but that's OK sometimes.

Prayer

This morning, I led the morning prayer on... prayer. I had a section from one of Anthony Bloom's books, which I now seem to have misplaced, on the importance of prayer coming from within. The importance of authenticity. These are things I have been reflecting on quite a bit, as I am called to pray with and for others on a regular basis. At first, I felt intimidated by the seemingly easy, and well-known prayers of my more traditional Christian colleagues.

I have also found solace and comfort in sharing the prayers of my Catholic childhood with patients. The woman I visit who can barely speak but works so hard to ask me for the "Our Father." How could I not see the joy it brings her to hear it. Or the Psalms. There are so many of them that offer comfort in our darkest hour.

What of our own readings that our faith has claimed? Or our own heartfelt prayers? I am trying to collect a little book of them, and it's so helpful to those in times of need, and to me as I minister to them. It is amazing to me how powerful prayer is. It's not something I've used as a spiritual practice often over the last 25 years, but it's fascinating to reclaim it as a tool of ministry.

Prayer has layers and depths that I never wrestled with theologically until now. It's a fascinating journey.

Good grief

First of all, a mother and writer I have known via parenting lists for years, and with whom I did one of my favorite journalistic interviews with ever in my writing career needs prayers. Her teenage son is in critical condition in ICU. Prayers are welcome.

Also the young kitty that adopted us/has been hanging around on my front porch the last week also appears to be quite ill. She's got very little color - I suspect yet another case of feline leukemia, though she must have come to us like that. NO MORE CATS for 6 months! She is quietly enjoying the warm sidewalk in the son and is very quiet and weak. I can't afford to take her to the vet, and don't want to drop her off at the shelter, so plan to keep her as comfy as possible over the next few days and see what happens. She's eating, but is very thin and lets me examine her with no fuss (not a good sign).

At they gym doing a final project for school while the kids are in class. Feeling grateful for my babies and hugging them tight.

Soulful Saturday

I went for my morning walk this morning, and even though it looked like spring, sounded like spring, and pretended to be spring, it was cold. But the robins are singing, as are the cardinals, geese are starting to migrate overhead (I'm watching for my annual snow geese sighting!), and on the way back, the sun was warmer on my face.

It's a lovely afternoon and I'm working on a short reflection on the Gospel of Matthew at Panera's. The little people won't leave me alone this week to focus on school and work, and I totally forgot about this assignment and pushed right on through to Luke. It's reading week, after all. I also didn't get time to study for my quiz coming up next week, but I'll get there.

It's been a whirlwind of tax preparation, getting financial aid info ready (still have to write some essays!) and final papers. I just turned in my last paper, a sermon, from my January classes. I'm so glad I didn't try to take anything at March intensives. Goodness.

In any event, I'm feeling the energy for spring, I got wonderful feedback on my sermon, and I'm enjoying the sunshine outside the window. Emma's at home wearing the little ones out in the snow, and Soren's at the gym. I'm inspired by this New Testament class, and especially like the text we're using, Global Bible Commentary. I just read Sugirtharajah's reflection on Matthew which talks about Gandhi's reaction to the NT, and it is fascinating, and really parallel to my own experience of the NT. Good stuff!

Wondering what a UU Sermon on the Mount would look like!

I've been using my UU "rosary" aka prayer beads every morning for a week now, with a very personal meditation, and am loving it. It is really tying together my morning meditation and gives me something to hook into later in the day when I need to get into a more connected space. I highly recommend the resources in the UUA's Tapestry of Faith adult curriculum.

I have my RSCC interview on the 22nd in Boston, am meeting with our Associate minister at my church next Saturday, and have to put together materials for our Board to ask them to sponsor me. What a whirlwind of writing and preparation, but it is all feeling really integraged and meaningful. Now if someone just add a few hours to each day!

Tuesday Win!

I feel like my brain is overflowing, which makes it hard to be truly present at all. Ever. I have New Testatment readings from four books, readings for Community Studies, my site work goals (and 8 hours a week there), two part-time jobs, and homeschooling the kids.

Jude and Lucy are suddenly fascinated with learning to write, and for Jude, to start reading. It's really exciting, and I'm spending a dedicated portion of every morning reading and helping them with letters. Yesterday, we spent 45 minutes practicing different numbers and letters by tracing them in flour with the index finger. They loved it! Jude even wrote some letters in his workbook with a pencil.

Today, I managed to do what I wanted to accomplish for the first time since I got home! 3 hours of work, getting everyone where they needed to go, minor cleaning, and I had dinner ready when my husband got home! Now I have a meeting for school and a sermon on gay marriage to finish, but I don't have to work tonight (unless I make some phone calls for church).

I feel so accomplished! My joy seems to be coming back. I attribute it to a kid at the shelter who unexpectedly hugs me at random moments. Grace appears where you least expect it.

I am a woman
born of God
I am a woman
born of love

I am caring and competent
vulnerable and powerful
seeking wholeness
physically, emotionally, and spiritually

I am a woman
reaching out to others
making a difference in myself
my family
community
church and the world

I am empowering myself
to empower others

I am struggling to accept my anger
and use it to gain strength, confidence,
courage, and intimacy with others

I am a woman
who sees the interconnectedness of all human beings
who values the unique gifts of all

I am a woman who leads and follows
who accepts responsibility for myself
and the choices I make

Yes, I am a woman
who sees each day as a new beginning
a chance to grow in self, love and service

I am a woman
born of God
I am a woman
born of love
And I can be
All that I am

- Ms. Katherine Tyler Scott, in Women's Uncommon Prayer Book

The oddities of Humanism

I have enjoyed compiling a list of many books during this past week during my intensive class on Religious Humanism. Should you at any time feel overcome by a desire to add to my library (many of the theological books are required reading for my fellowship committee review later on), I am happy to share my wish list with you :-D

We had a wonderful and odd end to our humanism class, by a few of us sharing humanist prayers that we wrote to close our class. Here is mine:

With all our human gifts and flaws
we have joined our hearts
in pursuit of knowledge,
compassion, love, and a
deeper connection to the divine
through our dreams, our lives, and our
deepening relationships with each other.
We leave this sacred time
wiser, more open to possibility,
continuing on our journey of discovery
in good company with each other.
Shoulder your bag, books, and quotes.
Embrace our humanity and our limited
understanding of the sacred,
Sally forth into the vast reaches of the unknown
And mysterious universe, carrying your
Questions and your spirit onward,
May it be so.

We were rewarded for our efforts with a class committee's treat of dark beer samples and dark chocolate. Seminary Rocks!

I started my day out with a wonderful morning devotional led by a classmate who was leaving today. It was on gratitude and ended with We Are by Sweet Honey in the Rock.

I had good intentions of writing a theological statement tonight, but I have to be at another class at 8:30 tomorrow morning, and I am mentally wiped out. But I am grateful for my humanist ministers at my congregation, their clear theological and practical vision, and the joy of being a congregant and a student of a vibrant and thoughtful denomination filled with amazing people.

Reflection

I found that this quote resonated with me. It appeals to my own inner struggle around owning my childhood religion and my present theology.

"When I pray, the humanist in me is patient but nonplussed, asking who I think I am talking to, and I reply that I don't know, but I do it anywy, my breath casting words into the seemingly unanswering air. Perhaps it is only my need to make the universe personal and intimate. I know myself to be a personal and intimate being, and it seems not totally impossible that the powers which cast me with these qualities, which enables me to be both rational and poetic, may be the same as I, writ large." -- Frances E. West

Wellspring Retreat

We made it! I've been looking forward to the retreat for some time now. It was my inaugural small group facilitation experience, and I think it went reasonably well. The best part was splitting into our own small groups at the end of the day. I'm psyched about my group, my co-facilitator, the material, and working through the curriculum through the lens of facilitator rather than participant (although we participate too).

We facilitators had mid-day review and made some adjustments for next year; things that got left out, that should be reconfigured, etc. One of our facilitators was out with the 'flu, so that was sad, but our associate minister stepped in to the breach like the pro she is.

Exciting stuff, and a wonderful meditation walk this morning to start off the day.

Shift your vision
just for a moment
to that of a child
again.

In your innocence
you remind the universe
that you haven't seen
the deer in a while
and as if on cue, the three does
step delicately out across
the road.
White tails flashing
hello.
The universe responds
to prayers of petition
after all.

You and the dog stand with
mouths agape and turn
to see three flocks of starlings
burst south
across the sky.
In your adult mind
you know about migration
but your open child's
heart wonders that
they fly so close
so many
without collision.

Discernment...

and formation are both ::::SQUEEE!!!::: and ::aw, shit:::: all at the same time.

I feel like every time I start to make a judgment, or have an unkind thought, or start to add another task to my plate, or parenting, or really anything...I start again. And again, and again, until I feel at least almost right with it. It's exhilarating, and exhausting.

There are things you can't reach. But you can reach out to them, and all day long.

The wind, the bird flying away. The idea of God.

And it can keep you as busy as anything else, and happier.

The snake slides away; the fish jumps, like a little lily,
out of the water and back in the goldfinches sing from the unreachable top of the tree.

I look; morning to night am never done with looking.

Looking I mean not just standing aroun, but standing around
as though with your arms open.

And thinking: maybe something will come some
shining coil of wind,
or a few leaves from any old tree --
they are all in this too.

And now I will tell you the truth.
Everything in the world
comes.

At least, closer.

And cordially.

Like the nibbling, tinsel-eyed fish;the unlooing snake.
Like goldfinches, little dolls of gold
fluttering around the corner of the sky

of God, the blue air.

-Mary Oliver

The goldfinches rise up from my mulberry trees when I go to the fairy circle in yard, swirling in a bright splash of yellow and away. That is God.

Healthy Thoughts

I am sending out love and healing thoughts to a friend at church who had a stillbirth on Tuesday night. I am devestated for her and her family.

Our friend Nadine, who is undergoing inpatient chemo treatment is continuing her heartwarming trend of cheerfulness and upbeat energy. She had a brief setback this week but is back to her regular room, and enjoying her new bald look!

My mother's cereberal artery clot has not reabsorbed and she continues to be at risk for another stroke. She can now raise her big toe but none of the other ones, and she has a bit of peripheral vision returning. She is under strict orders not to drive or list anything.

Jude and I had a Very Long (tm) doctor's visit yesterday. He has two warts on different fingers, both impacting his fingernails. They had to be shaved and frozen (freezing and poison at home was not working). He was very cooperative until the freezing part (which he knew would hurt) but we survived. If all goes well, they will disappear and we will not have to see the pediatric dermatolgist in a month to have them surgically removed (one has been there for a year).

I had a long list of things to discuss - it seems that I have developed some sort of quasi-allergy to my own progesterone at peak times of the month and it's not going to go away until menopause. No help there! I have been having some strange heart palpitations and I'm to let her know if I develop chest pain or lightheadedness or shortness of breath. If I do, I have to have one of those monitor thingies. Woohoo. I also have a ganglion cyst on my hand, and go for a surgical consult on Monday. I cannot wait to have this thing gone. I have arthritis in both wrists and my fingers and it's aggravating my hand to have the cyst there. I also have an ear infection (I think I've had it for about 3 months now), and am supposed to start taking my allergy medicine daily (but I can't find it). I hate my allergy pills because they are big and stick in my throat. I am not a very graceful patient (but better than Jude. Eric didn't have to hold me down while Dr. J. looked in my ears, thank goodness!)

Soren has to go see a pediatric GI, since her tummy meds are aren't working, and Lucy has to go to a ped dentist for a suspected cavity (see below list of crap to see why this may be the case). I mostly blame my husband and his mother who can't tell this kid no, and let her eat ridiculous amounts of stuff that Is Not Food. Ugh.

In non-health related news, we had a lovely two day impromptu vacation at Keuka Lake, during which I forgot daughter 2's dental appointment to repair a filling, and husband forgot his Soul Matters group. Oops. Oh well, it was worth having a couple of days by the lake. Emma's friend J. went along and they and daughter 2 tent camped in the yard of the cottage. Our golden retriever escaped once and was returned by a nice, friendly, laughing neighbor, thank goodness. Our beagle brat ate the pizza leftovers when Jude forgot to shut the porch door. I read 2.5 murder mysteries while we were there, taught daughter 2 to play War and Blackjack and 2 new types of solitaire, and she taught me to play Spit. We also played frisbee and wiffle ball and catch and she built a fairy house. Jude and Lucy got very dirt and ran around like lunatics, eating everything in sight. We all polished off a case of Pepsi and a huge pack of Gatorade, a box of oreos, 2 loaves of breakfast bread, 3 packages of maple candy, lots of peanut butter and nutella, 2 packages of chicken, a huge container of mashed potatoes...the list goes on.

It rained for half the time but we had fun anyway :). It's good to be home again too. Thanks to Book for letting us borrow his cottage! It was awesome.

Prayers

Hi all!

I know I have some faithful, thoughtful, perhaps even prayerful, readers :).

My mom had a stroke this weekend and is doing OK, but still undergoing tests. I'm waiting to see if this means some changes in her living conditions (like living alone).

Also, one of our homeschooling families just found out that their daughter Nadine (16) has leukemia, and she starts chemo tomorrow. She will be in the Children's Hospital for the next month and so good thoughts going out to her are appreciated! She is a very talented young musician and a lovely person, as is her mother, and I am holding them in the light.

On the road again

The kids and I drove to central PA today to visit my parents and go to Memorial Day festivities in my hometown, supposedly the home of Memorial Day.

First off, the kids were freaking awesome. It's about a 3.5 to 4 hour drive and there was not on complaint, not one argument; snacks and toys were doled out, music and books on tape were listened to (Dr. Seuss was a big hit), and we stopped for ice cream.

My 4 yo. son is someone who loves to travel. He is always up for an adventure and talks about our trips here as if they are of mythic proportion. He loves staying with my friend Erica (and her "green juice" which is some kind of healthy juice that she got him hooked on), and he talks about visiting my dad at least once a week. He had a blast with my dad today, as always and totally made my mom's day when we got to her house, by leaping out of the car and running at her, arms outstretched, like a romantic character in a novel and hugging her leg to death. I think he's met her just a handful of times, but the magic label grandparent surpasses any possible shyness he might otherwise exhibit.

Lucy (2) was also pretty friendly with the gparental units, and was just a delightful traveler. Emma was like having a wife along - she got all the luggage out of the car while I got the kids in and settled, unpacked their sleeping bags, and then was sociable and talkative with our hosts. Like who is this kid, and how did I end up with the coolest 13 yo ever? Soren just was easy and along for the ride, cooperative and chatty on the ride here. I'm still amazed at how easy this trip has become; it used to be a thing of dread and despair.

My mom, after 3 weeks of oral chemo, looks amazingly better. She was off the O2 quite a bit while we were there; cooked us dinner (oh my god, I haven't had a decent crabcake since I moved to NY almost 6 years ago - I was in heaven!) and we did dishes together. It was such a huge relief to see her so much better! She was pretty good with the kids for the most part and I think we had the nicest visit we've had, or maybe second nicest....um....ever. Even Emma couldn't believe how great it was.

Mom did lose some of her eyebrows but it wasn't very noticeable, since they're almost invisible anyway. Her hair looks fine, and the puffy predisone face is almost gone.

I got to visit with our hosts briefly but had to wrestle Lucy to sleep; the sleeping bag didn't really float her boat and she's in my bed now. We're doing shed cleaning at mom's tomorrow, visit with dad, and carnival in the evening! Then Sunday...maybe church, and visit with my childhood friend that I just got back in touch with via Facebook? Monday, more carnival, craft fair, good food all day, probably run into old friend...I can't wait!

I was totally not into coming here, but so far so good. I prayed this morning for compassion and patience, and so far it seems like that inner reminder about what to focus on was a good choice.

Papework and books

I spent many (too many) hours today working on scholarship application materials. I haven't even written any essays yet; just the financial application part (minus the tax info I'm waiting on), and revamping my resume was exhausting. I have sent it out for feedback, because I've been doing chronological resumes for so many years, it was quite a switch to a different format. I looked at clergy sites and resume examples, and hope that I did a good job. The objective part was a bit of a stumper though.

I went to the library yesterday while waiting for gymnastics to be over, and picked up Marianne Williamson's Illuminated Prayers and Dawkins' The God Delusion. I've heard mixed reviews about Dawkins, depending on who reads it (lay or clergy) so am interested to see what I think myself.

I loved the first prayer in Williamson's book (I take it she's written quite a lot, but I picked her up purely on a whim; it seems to have been divinely inspired ). It says beautifully what I stumble around and pray for every morning:

Dear God,
As I wake up this morning
may Your spirit come upon me
May my mind receive
Your emanations,
my soul receive
Your blessing,
and my heart receive
Your love.
May all those I meet
or even think of on this day
feel better for it.
May I contribute peace.
May I serve Your purposes
with all I say and do,
today and always.
Please show me how.
Amen

Amen indeed! I think I may have to ask for this book as a present; no money in the budget for books right now, unfortunately. I am also coveting one that our Wellspring facilitator has - Praying the Word. It is gorgeous. Oh, and while I'm being covetous, I want a singing bowl too!

I also picked up a new Stephanie Meyer book to share with my daughter (The Host), and she started a series that I'll probably read as well, if I have time. I have been in a good schedule with keeping up with the house since I can't find a job, but it takes a lot of time. I'm also working hard on having the kids on more of a routine, which is also working well, but takes a lot of my time.

The rest of this week will be spent getting as much scholarship paperwork as I can stand, done and ready to mail, as soon as I get my taxes back. Then I can do the FAFSA as well, and send a FA form to the YMCA for the girls to hopefully go to camp in the summer.

I hate paperwork. But I did love starting my morning off with lighting my chalice, reading, and then having a more focused walking meditation afterward. My whole day felt much more balanced.

Until my ulcer acted up. I'm sure it's the paperwork.

The Solstice Approacheth

I had the pleasure of attending the Solstice celebration at one of my kids' programs today. It's a Waldorf-based homeschooling class that meets weekly, and I just love it. They set up a gorgeous pine bough spiral into which each family walked and lit their family candle. Then we all sang together and then had a little feast. It was lovely, as it always is. This is our fifth year. The older kids were a bit restless and noisy this year, so the sacred was not as quiet as it usually is though.

I bought a chalice finally. I have been looking for just the right thing and found it at the festival today. I'll post a picture at some point. I'm also getting two chalice pendants for my birthday/wedding anniversary next week, so I am looking forward to that as well. My chalice is beautiful and is making me feel all warm and fuzzy to meditate by! I really need a little altar area soon that is truly devoted to my spiritual items, now that I have some.

I have been very cranky lately and am having a hard time balancing real life and my need for inner solitude and reflection. I feel this overwhelming need for everyone to just leave me alone so I can meditate, read, reflect, and do nothing at all if I feel like it. I'm sure it's relief at finally graduating, having a plan for grad school and also just the darkness of the year.

I feel almost physically oppressed by it. I am anxious for the Solstice to pass and the incremental advance of the Sun on my days. I am craving warmth and find myself tending our fire almost obsessively and drinking in the sunlight when it makes brief appearances. We are to get 4 to 8" of snow tonight and tomorrow, so I kept my daughter home from gymnastics tonight so I wouldn't have to drive to the city tomorrow to get her. I know we still have a few months of cold and wet yet, and I wish I could flee! My eldest is going to Fla. in Feb. and I am so jealous (though I wouldn't choose Fla. for my sun - more likely Hawaii, Mexico, or Aruba!).

My husband loves Nakai, and I found this Solstice prayer. I hope it moves you.

Dog Wisdom and Miracles

Jakob and I had our morning spiritual journey yesterday, and discovered that my neighbor had put out some of those lawn reindeer that light up.

Jakob was seriously offended by their appearance, and was immediately suspicious. He tried to leap the ditch to investigate, and instead fell into the ditch, coming out with muddy feet and offended sensibilities. And he was still upset about the intruding reindeer.

My friend Keith has a Golden Retriever too, and he barks at anything that he doesn't think belongs. If I put my bag down in their chair, he gets quite perturbed about it, because there isn't supposed to be something in the chair. Eventually he chills out though.

I think we can take a lesson from this. Things that are new and unknown can be scary, but we don't need to be afraid of them. We can explore them (as long as we have a long leash), and we can even get used to new things and accept them. Dogs are smarter than humans.

In more news of blessings coming out of difficulty, I lost my cell phone today in a city park. I went back 4 hours later and it was still laying there. I call that a miracle, even if I had to drive 2 hours to retrieve it. For humor value, I lost it while trying to get a urine sample from Jakob, who has UTI and had to go to the vet today.

Life is never dull!

Snow and contentment

It is an absolutely delightful, fluffy, wet, dog snuffling through it, kind of snow here. I just grinned through our whole walk this morning, at Jakob's joy, at snowflakes on my nose, at stamping it off my boots, at the silence it creates.

It was a wonderful way to begin my day, hot cup of coffee in hand.

The woodstove is cranking away, laundry drying in front of it, sending up extra good smells, and the kids are rushing around getting ready to go out and play. How much more content could I be? This is the life I envisioned myself in, and here I am.

I enjoyed Wellspring very much last night. I had signed up to lead a prayer, and did a loving-kindness meditation from Pema Chodron's book, The Places That Scare You. I think that it went well. I was nervous, but just gave myself over to fate. I practiced it on the older girls first, which was a hoot, because we were fighting and crabby and rushing to get out the door yesterday and they just insisted I do it with them anyway, and it really changed our whole mood.

The group had an interesting discussion Unitarian history, and as always, the different viewpoints are enlightening. As always, the lesson I take away is to listen. Attend.

I was up very late night chatting with a friend and studying but I slept better than I have in several weeks, and the littles slept through the night for the first time in a long time as well. I feel rested and warm and fuzzy!

Prayer and Humor

You know, I have mentioned here that I'm rediscovering prayer in a my own eclectic UU way, and I had a spine tingling experience a few weeks ago. Then yesterday, I was back in that kind of financial despair place that is so familiar to me, and was just trying to be open to knowing that it will all be alright.

So the money came through that we were waiting for, and then I took the kids to Wendy's because I knew it was going to be a long, only-parent kind of day since Tom was working late, and when we went to pay, it took a really long time. I was getting really worried that something had gone wrong with my bank account and the money wasn't showing up, when she opened the window and told me my lunch was free. What? Yeah, the credit card machine is broken, so your lunch is on the house.

So the universe has a great sense of humor apparently. I pray, and what do I get but a free lunch? It is to laugh with delight.

Being called

I met with my spirital director today and had a really good visit with her. We talked more about prayer and discovered that the desire of my heart for prayer is to be able to access the universe by consistently putting ego aside - to have a pure experience. And I'm supposed to figure out what's behind my anger with people who use religion and prayer (aka witnessing) as a tool.

So, for anyone who's out there reading that's in seminary, or considering it, or is a minister...how did you find your path? What was being called to the ministry like for you, if you're comfortable sharing such a thing. What does it feel like to minister, to preach, to pray, to have spirit move through you, so to speak?

I am lately feeling like I'm on a fast train that I can't get off of, and that spiritually, things are converging for me in a way that's vaguely frightening, exhilarating and joyous. It is almost impossible to talk about it to people without sounding like perhaps I have come up with some new mental illness.

Prayer

Next Wellspring session is on prayer. This week we talked about our spiritual histories, and as I was writing mine down, I found that my memory of praying was of a very selfish kind of prayer - help me out here! Fix this problem! I promise to be good if you ...!

In the church's newsletter, perhaps coincidentally, perhaps not, the minister's message is also on prayer this week. I have been thinking about the lack of prayer in my life, and how I could change my paradigm to make it a more powerful and positive connection to the universe - not just a plea.

This morning, I prayed while I did my meditative walking. I prayed by allowing myself to be open to the universe, and to what it might bring me, and that I was going to try to keep doors open and be available to the joys and sorrows of life as they come.

I posted yesterday that I was struggling and that money is a big issue. Today I got an unexpected windfall that will cover my back bills, get me in the red, and maybe even save some toward my career assessment for divinity school.

Coincidence? Maybe...but that's why I call myself a mystical humanist.