Getting Old

OK, I know I'm not old. Every year I get older, there's some old fart telling me how young I still am ;).

But I started out as a sassy teenager in a runaway shelter for months, was a bratty street smart kid, got my shit together, grew up, managed a transitional living program for teens, had my own kids, blah, blah, blah.

Now through my ministry work I'm back in a teen shelter. I love it. Adore it. But I come home and cry sometimes. That didn't used to happen. Sure, there were kids that I was especially attached to, but I love all these kids. And they are different than the ones I am used to.

For the young teen tonight who ended up leaving, who kept telling me "Not even my mom cares." (and of course neither must you, because if my own mother doesn't care, how could you? is implied) I cried tonight. And I am angry at the police office who wouldn't take a missing person's report because, well...he didn't really have a good reason, except that he was young and white and privileged and in a position of power...and this kid is young and black and poor and has nothing. So what's one more kid on the street on a cold November night?

I didn't used to cry. But I came home and looked at my own beautiful 13 year old daughter and thought, for the grace of God...

These kids are my kids. I don't care who their mama is. And they are breaking my heart.

The Good, the Bad, and th Ugly

God, now I remember why I never go home ;). That was kind of a prayer, if you were wondering about the God thing.

The Good: I had a lovely time with my hosts, Erica and Keith, who put up with me and my brood of sometimes good, sometimes bad, children. We left the house mostly intact, although I don't know about their future desire for children! We also got to attend a wonderful BBQ party that they held.

We got to visit my hometown and "do" the carnival and Memorial Day festivities. Jude didn't like the cannons going off, which surprised me but he was an awesome traveler for the first two days (see The Bad for an udpate). My mom bought the kids some carnival ride tickets and so did I, and we splurged on junky carnival food one night, but brought our own food the rest of the time. Thank God for the fact that there's a Wegman's in State College now. I am so spoiled.

We got my mom's shed cleaned out and came home with some nice garden stuff, a flag, and a bunch of clothes that are too big for me ;).

We had three nice visits with my dad.

Central PA is as beautiful as ever.

My meditation before I left was patience and compassion. That was enough. And it held me in good stead. I was patient and compassionate. I didn't kill anyone (even though I wanted to), and I didn't even get in an argument with my mom in 4 days, which has to be a record.

The Bad: The first day of my visit with my mom went well, but as expected, it went to hell in a handbasket from there. We didn't end up visiting at all on Sunday or Monday, as she wasn't feeling well,, but then I got a huge guilt trip for not coming over on Monday, even though she was supposed to spend the day with us and wasn't well enough. I figured since she wasn't well enough to go out, she wasn't up for visitors with energetic small children, and that she would call me if that changed, which she didn't but I was wrong ;). As usual.

We stopped there this morning before leaving, and she was worse - the "not feeling good" that precluded visits the previous two days had turned into more headache and flashing lights in her left eye. She was supposed to have Mohs surgery on a skin cancer this morning, followed by surgery to remove a small tumor in her tear duct, but she had to cancel this morning.

She called to get a ride from the Helpmates organization and they were a huge pain in the ass, so she ended up getting a ride from her new Office of the Aging caseworker. I have to say that although my mother is impossible, judgmental, bigoted and classist, and doesn't deal with the agencies gracefully, they are also a pain in the ass, and made her feel like shit for needing a ride. I saw her get teared up and frustrated and know that she deals with this all the time. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

Anyway, she canceled her surgeries because she couldn't safely drive with her vision problems, and made an appointment with her eye surgeon for a visit today to see what was going on. Turns out that she ended up sent to the ER, she has something going on in her occipatal lobe - bleeding, stroke, vessel spasm...who knows. I'm waiting for her to call with MRI results. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. I feel like I should have stayed.

She was off the oxygen a lot on Saturday - I wonder if that stressed her, or if she's having a reaction to the chemo, or if her brain just can't take anymore. In any event, I'm waiting for news of the tests. She's being admitted to the hospital for sure.

The Ugly: I can't really think of much besides my son's behavior the last 36 hours. I am sleep deprived, still hungry, and I to pull over three times and eventually move his carseat on the way home. He tortured my 10 yo daughter to distraction and woke his 2 yo sister from her nap twice. He is without TV privileges until Thursday, and is lucky not to have had to ride on the roof for the last part of the trip.

It's good to be home; I was homesick for my house and husband, but i was also homesick for PA the whole time I was there. I wish there was a way to move back that wasn't purely selfish. It would only be good for me and my parents; everyone else would have to give up everything they love.

Oh, and I missed my dogs like crazy.

music(als)

My daughter just came home with a bass guitar. She already knows how to play Sunny Came Home, Smoke in the Water, and a couple more things. Her friend says she looks "kick-ass."

She also went to see Once Upon a Mattress today, which her friends were in. She said it was a riot.

She kills me. My husband is laughing because yet another instrument with a huge clunky case is now in my house. But at least they like music and want to learn.

Today was massive cleaning downstairs...it's good to have the girls home and to just sit down. Except I have to get the little ones jammies.

Papework and books

I spent many (too many) hours today working on scholarship application materials. I haven't even written any essays yet; just the financial application part (minus the tax info I'm waiting on), and revamping my resume was exhausting. I have sent it out for feedback, because I've been doing chronological resumes for so many years, it was quite a switch to a different format. I looked at clergy sites and resume examples, and hope that I did a good job. The objective part was a bit of a stumper though.

I went to the library yesterday while waiting for gymnastics to be over, and picked up Marianne Williamson's Illuminated Prayers and Dawkins' The God Delusion. I've heard mixed reviews about Dawkins, depending on who reads it (lay or clergy) so am interested to see what I think myself.

I loved the first prayer in Williamson's book (I take it she's written quite a lot, but I picked her up purely on a whim; it seems to have been divinely inspired ). It says beautifully what I stumble around and pray for every morning:

Dear God,
As I wake up this morning
may Your spirit come upon me
May my mind receive
Your emanations,
my soul receive
Your blessing,
and my heart receive
Your love.
May all those I meet
or even think of on this day
feel better for it.
May I contribute peace.
May I serve Your purposes
with all I say and do,
today and always.
Please show me how.
Amen

Amen indeed! I think I may have to ask for this book as a present; no money in the budget for books right now, unfortunately. I am also coveting one that our Wellspring facilitator has - Praying the Word. It is gorgeous. Oh, and while I'm being covetous, I want a singing bowl too!

I also picked up a new Stephanie Meyer book to share with my daughter (The Host), and she started a series that I'll probably read as well, if I have time. I have been in a good schedule with keeping up with the house since I can't find a job, but it takes a lot of time. I'm also working hard on having the kids on more of a routine, which is also working well, but takes a lot of my time.

The rest of this week will be spent getting as much scholarship paperwork as I can stand, done and ready to mail, as soon as I get my taxes back. Then I can do the FAFSA as well, and send a FA form to the YMCA for the girls to hopefully go to camp in the summer.

I hate paperwork. But I did love starting my morning off with lighting my chalice, reading, and then having a more focused walking meditation afterward. My whole day felt much more balanced.

Until my ulcer acted up. I'm sure it's the paperwork.

My take on Palin

is best said by this.

I fully support the idea that she should not be questioned for her ability to lead based on motherhood. But I also feel that her commitment to her family, as a woman, who is biologically supposed to nurture her child is a harbinger for how she will care for a nation.

Her gender shouldn't affect how we view her as a potential leader, but I do judge her for working a much-more-than-full-time schedule with an infant. Her babies will only be babies for a short time - there is a time and place for everything - and you can do everything, but not well.

I'm not saying this well, I fear - I have opposing feelings- I support her right to choose to work, but I don't support her taking on such a vocation - as running the country is - it's not just a job - with a small baby. There are ways to balance work and a young family - but I don't think that being VP is a good one.

So even if I didn't already disagree with her politics, I'd disagree with her personal choices. Do I judge Obama similarly? No. He doesn't lactate. Is that fair? I don't know. It's biology.

I must be another of those conservatives with liberal ideals.

Different Personalities

We've got the cringer, the wannabe vegan/PETA member, and the champion around here.

S. saw a spider by the hose, which she needed to clean out the bunny's litter box. She ran screaming inside, telling me. I suggested she ignore it, or get a stick and nudge him to a friendlier (for her) location.

NO way. Screaming and foot stomping ensued.

E. yells from the kitchen, "Don't kill the spider!" "If you move it, it'll die!"

A large argument ensues, which I try to ignore, as I was in the shower.

A few minutes later I hear a knock on the door.

"Yes?"

J., 3 years old, says, "Mama, can I put my shoes on? I'll go move the spider for S, OK?"

OK, dear. My hero.

__________

We're off on a short, much-needed vacation. Hubby decided to accompany us after all, and promises not to pace and worry about money while we're gone. The car is packed, the kids are making sandwiches for our lunch, and I have to run!

I left a message for the evaluator of my last 4 credits to call me and set up and interview, the application packet is en route to Chicago, the reference letters are on their way to all and sundry, I have an email out to a potential spiritual director for my Wellspring experience this year - things are in motion, and it feels so good.

Vacation comes at a perfect time this year. Still debating whether to take the laptop or not...probably yes, just to delete mail as it comes in. Posting will be sparse, I hope.