Loss and Grief

In less than 12 hours, I begin my intensive CPE, Clinical Pastoral Education, at a large hospital in Rochester.

Less than an hour ago, a woman I have known for almost 15 years lost her 18 year old son to drug abuse and violence. Please, read Henry's story. Share it with your teens. Hug them tight in gratitude for their grace and beauty. And light a candle for Katie and her family. Katie's wisdom and wit led me through the difficult early years of parenting. Let our love lift her up during this time where words can never suffice.

Sandwiched

Like many of my contemporaries, I am part of a sandwich generation, simultaneously parenting young (and not-so-young) children while caring for the needs of aging parents.

I went home to central PA this week to visit with my family for the first time since Christmas. My little kids adore visiting their grandparents, and I look forward to stealing some hours to visit a couple of dear friends and their children.

It struck me, really struck me, how time is passing. I am no longer a young adult (duh). My parents are aging and struggling with illness. Balancing the needs of my children while visiting with them was enlightening.

My mother has always been (and considered ) a handsome woman. But the last 10 years have not been easy on her body. I really saw her with fresh eyes this week, as she needed to be helped out of the shower. This woman, whom I spent years hating, and still avoid at times, and who has defined so much of what I have become in spite of her, is old. She has mellowed a bit. She is overweight and on oxygen 100 percent of the time. I helped her put lotion on her back, and then her legs. She had beautiful legs, in her day. Due to Bowen's Disease (which is not usually malignant, but is in her case), she has sores all over her legs, as a result of too much sun, and arsenic poisoning. She also has developed an autoimmune disease, which has left her legs and arms covered in other sores and rough patches.  She has severe diabetes, and cares greatly for her feet. I rubbed lotion into her feet, taking the time to massage them for her. 

My father is adored by my 5 year old son. He never let go of "Papa George's hand and prattled on and on. My father is in the process of being tested for prostate cancer, and has moderate to severe dementia. He has survived aneurisms, accidents, heart attacks. Jude and him are a good pair. They talk to each other, but don't really care about the response, just needing a warm hand and a listening ear. Lucy climbed on his lap, and it brought tears to my eyes to see how much they love him and accept him as he is. That's not an easy task for the older girls, who dislike the dementia unit at the nursing home and are made a bit uneasy by the overly friendly overtures of the women patients. We took my dad out to Red Lobster, because Jude remembered how much Papa George loves it. It was a fun meal, and my dad had a great time.

It was hard to come home. My 14 year old was ready, after 4 days. She told me, "I know this is your home mom, but it's not mine anymore." That about broke my heart - I would move back in a heartbeat. I am homesick for the mountains for weeks after a visit. Happy Valley is a charmed little place, privileged, growing,  transforming. I miss my house there, my friends, Spring Creek, bike riding. I miss my friends still. But there are things I love about the Finger Lakes.

Being sandwiched means that when I took a vote on whether to stay another night or not, and I was the deciding vote, I put my own love for home aside and put my children's love for their home first. So here we are, back at the ranch, so to speak.

Next week starts a new chapter in my life, and I am a little anxious, but ready. The joys and sorrows of being in the sandwich generation will inform my compassion and love for those who share this journey.

Attending Church

Today I went to church, not as RE assistant, but just as me. It was the last day for our ministerial intern, David Messner, and he gave a hell of a sermon. I felt inadequate afterward ;). What a gifted speaker he is!

The sermon was about taking those liminal moments - thresholds - where you are in a time out of time and can see into the windows of your life. About taking risks and living the life that calls you. And you know what, I felt really good after that. Not a day goes by (with gratitude) that the hard work of my own transformational experiences and callings is on my radar. I am following my calling, I am parenting with love and intention, I am attempting to be in right relation with the people in my life despite the daily challenges of that. I am a work in progress, but I'm aware of it, and in it.

I hope that I can maintain this ability to step outside my life and see the opportunities and growing edges. One place is in finding the joy in each day. It's easy to get caught up in daily living and chores and necessities. But in some ways, my children are such a gift because they make me laugh right out loud every day. They bring tears to my eyes with their kindnesses, honesty, and deep loving humanity.

Every day I pray that I can live into a theology of joy. It's harder than I would have thought, but it has so many little gifts that enable even more joy to enter into my life.

Listen, Open, Serve

That's the mission of my congregation. I've done a lot of personal transformation on listening - both to myself and others. I'm getting really interested in the Serve part, and we had an interesting conversation in Wellspring about it a couple of sessions ago.

What does "Serve" mean to you? Is it a burden? A gift? Fulfilling? Martyrdom?

How do you serve in your life and why do you do it?

How is it a part of how you live into your faith?

Libertarianism

I have always been a bit of a nonconformist. I think that's why people who knew me as a child (but not as an adult) are surprised that I am going into ministry, though I think becoming a UU minister is pretty nonconformist!

Lately, I have been feeling constrained by a preponderance of rules in the world. Often, this is the speed limit ;). But some of it is just how one has to get "special" permission for so many things. And so many rules are made to deal with common sense issues, that are not always black and white.

Currently my town code enforcement is driving me crazy. They want me to get rid of my chickens because we technically live in residential zoning, not residential-agricultural. However, RA zoning says that you can have chickens if they are more than 200 ft. away from another residence. Even though we're R, our chickens are WAY more than 200 ft. from another residence, because we have 2 acres. The zoning officer told me I could file a variance and promised to send me the specific code so I could use it to fill out the paperwork, but he didn't.

Then yesterday, I got a letter saying that we had to get rid of the chickens and he wouldn't ALLOW a variance. And, he said it would cost $75, but there is no list of variance costs, let alone the codes themselves online. I think he just made it up, as there is a blank line on the form to fill in the variance fee. Shouldn't there be a specific amount for variances? I mean, the FINE is only $25 but they want $75 to file the variance?

I am feeling ridiculously up in arms about this, but am doing my best to remain super-polite to the code officer. It seems that he is on a bender in our neighborhood and other neighbors have felt his wrath as well. One of the joys in living in small town America I guess.

Anyway, this is the kind of thing that makes me want to be a Libertarian. And things like making kids wear shoes at the Museum of Play. Or in the archeological dig at RMSC, where your shoes immediately get filled with recycled tire bits, which is supposed to be dirt. Or having to park facing the "correct" way on the street (I got a warning about this on my very rural street in front of my house two weeks ago!). Or random age discrimination, like not allowing minors to volunteer at lots of places. I could go on but I'll stop.

Gratitude for Vitamin D

Now folks, this was the perfect first summery day. 80F, sunny, clear, and I got to sit on a blanket and soak up some fabulous Vitamin D with some dear homeschool mama friends at the park. I feel like I have so little time for friends this past year. I am missing having a tight girlfriend that I can just be myself with, and laugh, and drink a little wine, and whine, and unwind. If some of my fellow students were closer, then that would be a given, but alas, we are spread across the continent.

I am finally able to work in my summer office, and am sprawled across the futon, pug snoring by my side. Kids are fed and bathed and ready for bed. Laundry is folded and dishes are done.

I will have a busy weekend ahead, all filled with sun and warmth. My last day of work at First Unitarian of Rochester is Sunday. Bittersweet, that. I am also grateful to go back to being "just" a congregant. It has been a journey of strange, this last couple of years, what with seminary and work and church. I am in many ways happy to be going back to a single role where I can be a member and attend services. I hope to continue with small group at some point, but I will have to see what my fall schedule looks like.

In 10 days, I start CPE, and my days of soaking up the sun are mostly over, but for weekends, for this summer. But it will be worth it! Summer reading schedules are being posted, so with CPE, work, and fall prep, I wonder if I will have time to breathe? Regardless, I will soak up every second of family time and be grateful for it.

For all my colleagues going through these transitions, I send a massive group hug!

Ebb and Flow

Yesterday, I got a migraine. I have been having a really hard time managing them; the last few months, they have lasted for several days at least once a month, and the medication has had some really unpleasant side effects, aside from not working really well.

For the first time, I got a combination of meds to work, with the only side effect being that I needed to sleep them off. Today, I am feeling hopeful that I broke it, and it won't come back this month! So I woke up happy to shower with the light on (no aura!), and took the kids to a play, which was really cute and they all behaved themselves.

I came home to find out that one of my FA forms went missing and I didn't get FA - I have a call in to find out wth happened. Then I found out that I had two unauthorized charges on my checking account for iTunes - for which I don't even have an account. Had to go to the bank, fill out forms to maybe get my money back, cancel my debit card...UGH. I am so used to the ease of having a bank card and not dealing with cash or checks. This sucks.

I came home from the bank and cried. So frustrated!

I am hopeful that the rest of the day will improve. Tomorrow's supposed to be awesome weather and I plan on spending it at the park or something nice with the littles.

Now work, then more chauffering. Hoping the sunshine cheers me up.

UU Salon: May - The Soul

Over at UU Salon, they want to know: Does it exist before we are born?  Does it disappear when we die?  It is unchangeable, or capable of growing/shrinking/strengthening?  Can you lose your soul, or gain one?


I have refrained from reading other posts on this topic until I had time to mull over my own thoughts and get around to posting something. I really like this idea of posing questions to the blogosphere and then compiling them. Nice use of technology and community! 


So onward. Does it exist prior/after life as we know it? An interesting story: When I was exploring neopaganism, I loved the story in Circle Round (or at least I think that's where I read it, but I'm too lazy to get up and look) about how our souls all get mixed into this great cauldron and each time a new baby is born, we get a little bit of everyone in our new soul. During this time, my mother was driven to distraction by my "atheism," refusing to come to my wedding a few years before, etc. due to my lack of religious beliefs. I remember telling this story to my kids when they were little and loving it. Anyway, my mother is now in her last years. Her health is very poor and we've been talking about death and dying. I have always seen her as this pretty traditional but non-churchgoing Christian until the last few year, since I entered the journey to the ministry. Since then, my grandmother's Irish pagan roots seem to be coming out. My mom tells me stories of celebrating the wheel of the year, etc. But she blew my mind last month when she basically, word for word, said that the cauldron is what she thinks happens to souls when you die. Could have knocked me over with a feather. She just laughed and said her mother's beliefs are catching up with her (her mother was a seemingly devout Protestant, FWIW). 


Basically, the whole notion of matter and science and energy is why I am not a full-blown atheist, but rather an agnostic with a theistic bent. I like Deitrich's cosmic humanism - I believe that God, or what I would call Soul, is immanent in everything, and I have a hard time letting go of my faith that there is some intrinsic part of us that remains as some sort of energy and is passed on into other things - perhaps mingling with the very stardust of which we are made. It's probably just some unlikely concoction I've dreamed up in my limited understanding of physics and such, but I love the idea, and it brings me a lot of comfort. 


I think that your soul can change because it's energy, according to my theological view of the soul. I think that what we do impacts the energy that we emit and contain, and if we do things that are evil, that will change our very essence. It's where my moral authority comes from lacking the presence of God. 

Lilac Festival

I don't have pics off my phone yet, but we had such a great day. I took the morning off of work and took the three youngest kids to the Science Museum. Jude (5.5) has decided that this place is more fun than the Strong Museum of Play, because there are dinosaurs there. He wants to be a paleontologist this week. We dropped off some clothes for a friend, and off to the museum!

They had a great time and enjoyed watching the new Brain exhibit going up for May 22nd. We can't wait to go back and see it live! We had a picnic lunch out on the lawn, and then went to pick up my oldest at her science lab at the University of Rochester (science Friday for all!). Oddly enough, her lab was also on the brain - they got to work with cat brain matter (can you say ewww?) and did some diagnoses from real case studies.

Then we were off to the Lilac Festival. Honestly, it was a perfect opening day. The lilacs are still out though are starting to fade, but it was sunny and around 70F after a rainy, cool morning. We met up with a friend and her kids, and then the teens met up with some other teens and wandered off for awhile.  Much tree climbing was done by all, and I am exhausted from pushing 70lbs of kids in the double stroller. We went on the little train and the carousel; smelled the flowers, and then were off to the final performance of the girls' Waldorf program plays!

Soren was in a performance of Prometheus. Disaster! We got to the school, and realized that her costume, in a shopping bag, had been passed on with the other clothes we dropped off earlier! Many tears - but Emma to the rescue! She had a toga and tunic for her role in Antony and Cleopatra (turns out Soren like it better than her original one!). BUT, Emma forgot to give her dad the video camera, so no video of the performance. Oh well! Another dad took vid, so I'll try to get a copy.

I had already seen the oldest class perform Antony and Cleopatra on Tuesday and WOW. Emma was Octavius Caesar. I can't believe this is her last performance there. I am so sad that she is graduating :(. Off to community college next year for her first college classes, and we are going to start taking Zumba together!

Anyway, both performances were awesome. Lucy and I left early to get her to bed and now I am supposed to be working but wanted to give a quick update as I've been absent. I'm enjoying my time off from school and am doing mad spring cleaning.

Hallelujah!

Last paper turned in. Last assignment turned in. I am waiting for one final evaluation to be turned in and one final class phone call (tomorrow) and I am FREE for 3 weeks! Three weeks! I am going to read and clean and read and watch back episodes of Bones and 24, and read, and sort clothes and garden...

I have 3 weeks left at my job as RE assistant and then I intend to spend the summer attending services and preparing my first sermon at MMUUS while I do CPE.

Celebrate!

Waking up with Jude

Jude climbed into bed with us in the middle of the night after a bad dream. He always pushes me half out of the bed, so between him and the dog, it was a bad night. But this morning, we woke up and looked at each other. I was NOT awake yet, but Jude was ready to talk.

Jude: Know what's weird?
Me: You?
Jude: Weirder than THAT!
Me: What?
Jude: Snow White lived with seven little men! And then eight! That's weird. Seven little men.

How am I supposed to wrap my head around this pre-coffee?

In other news, one final project is done. One to go. One that I am totally unmotivated to write and is due in two days. Urgh.

Good grief

First of all, a mother and writer I have known via parenting lists for years, and with whom I did one of my favorite journalistic interviews with ever in my writing career needs prayers. Her teenage son is in critical condition in ICU. Prayers are welcome.

Also the young kitty that adopted us/has been hanging around on my front porch the last week also appears to be quite ill. She's got very little color - I suspect yet another case of feline leukemia, though she must have come to us like that. NO MORE CATS for 6 months! She is quietly enjoying the warm sidewalk in the son and is very quiet and weak. I can't afford to take her to the vet, and don't want to drop her off at the shelter, so plan to keep her as comfy as possible over the next few days and see what happens. She's eating, but is very thin and lets me examine her with no fuss (not a good sign).

At they gym doing a final project for school while the kids are in class. Feeling grateful for my babies and hugging them tight.

Full Moon

I do not understand the full moon phenomenon around here. We lost a chicken several months ago during the full moon because she wouldn't go into the coop. Then we lost 2 last month during the full moon. Two nights ago, a weasel got in to the coop and killed two chickens (our bad, the coop wasn't shut tight). Last night, the stupidist chicken wouldn't go into the coop but roosted someplace else. Thankfully, we found her safe in the yard this morning. However, our last remaining cat got hit by a car last night and I found him dead in the yard this morning. We have a little white cat who has adopted us, that Emma calls Mary, and she still is hanging around. But geez, we are having bad animal karma lately. It wasn't so long ago that our other cat crawled under the porch and died.

Our new puppy has to go to Cornell next week to have her back leg checked out. She seems to have some sort of neurological problem and is using it only intermittently. GAH!

The good news is that the board of trustees at May Memorial voted last night to bring me on as their student intern minister from Fall 2010 to Spring 2012. I couldn't be more thrilled :).

The faces of ministry

Ministry takes many forms. Yesterday, I got to experience some of them all wrapped into one day.

In the morning, I filled in for our DRE and ran children's worship at both services. It was SO much fun. We read Henry Builds a Cabin and I had the kids play the roles. We built a wonderful cabin, and meditated on the simplicity of spring flowers and their needs, and what we would have to give up to live in a simple and small cabin like Henry built.

I ran up and down the stairs and elevator with all the RE stuff so that our RAIHN guests could use our regular space, and it felt good to do that extra step - to be part of the behind-the-scenes work that helps that ministry run smoothly and create safe space for families. I got to check in on all the classes and see what the elementary teachers were doing and it looked like so much fun! My two oldest daughters volunteered their time and energy. Emma has been teaching the 3 year olds every week for about a month now and loves it! Soren helped me run the first children's worship, and my friend's daughter helped for the 2nd service. To see their enjoyment in helping was a wonderful feeling.

After cleanup and tallying attendance for the office, I rushed off to the teen shelter. I spent some time watching a movie with about half the kids. They all identified with it in some ways and it opened up conversation with kids and staff about gang activity and bad neighborhoods in our own city. I did some behavior management with some kids who have not been taught boundaries - challenging, but it offered some opportunities for peer leadership. I spent some time processing the year with my supervisor, and processing another client's issues with staff. A client came in after dealing with extreme violence, and it was striking to me to compare my work of the morning and the cheerful faces of my church kids (not that there aren't issues at work there too), with this kid who is facing more medical care and a lifetime of recovery from the emotional trauma of her experience.

Home again to the bosom of my family - popcorn and snuggles and bedtime and time with my husband. It was a nice end to the day. I feel so blessed to have my supportive family to come back to.

SLD Assembly

So I'm home now and winding down from the St. Lawrence District Assembly. Last night, I drove into Syracuse and attended the Josephine Gould Discourse: “Twittered, Tweeted and Still Lonely — Choosing the On-Line Church” by Rev. Linda Hoddy of the UU Congregation of Saratoga Springs. I really enjoyed the thoughtful discourse on technology and ministry. There were three responses - one from my friend, Rev. Kelly Weisman Asprooth-Jackson, one from Rev. Richard Gilbert (who as minister at my congregation forever, but I started attending right after he retired, so I have never actually met him, though I aspire to take his UU Polity course at CRCDS one of these days) and one from the DRE from the Albany UU, Leah Purcell, who I had a lovely talk with today.

This morning's keynote speaker was Rev. Robert Latham, and that was the highlight. He spoke convincingly and passionately about the importance of mission and the need to prioritize it over things that act on our mission. He made me want to become that evangelistic UU minister that I am probably too nervous to become ;). His intro by Rev. Tom Chulak was absolutely hilarious, and was a spoof on the song Davey Crockett.

I didn't get either of my first choices for the two workshops, but I enjoyed the second one, which was by a fellow Meadville student, Andrew Mertz. I hadn't met him in January but made sure to introduce myself after the workshop. He was an engaging speaker and the topic was pertinent to my interest in youth, and looking ahead to starting some campus ministry at Syracuse University (anyone who as resources for this should feel freely invited to send them to me!). The first workshop was a watered down repeat of a class I took in January, but with a focus on RE. I have no idea why I signed up for it as a choice at all, but I should have snuck into my first choice. Only because I had already been over the material, so it wasn't a good use of my time. Certainly was a good topic for others though!

Our District Executive, Rev. Chulak, is retiring, and his closing words were quite moving. He seems to have done a great job during a difficult transitional time nine years ago, and the District board is obviously vibrant. My former boss/current friend Jan Gartner is newly elected, and I know she'll be a fabulous addition. She's got great energy and I heard firsthand how happy some of the members at First Universalist are to have her as their DRE this year!

Tomorrow, I"m leading Children's Worship since my boss is on the Coming of Age trip to Boston (lucky!). I'm reading a story called Henry Builds a Cabin (Thoreau, ya know). It should be fun. I have to think of a fun thing to do for the greeting! Unfortunately, Jude won't be there again :(. Tom's work van broke down totally yesterday (losing a day of work too), and it looks like we will be van shopping on Monday (with what money, I have no idea - perhaps the tax return will magically appear? Or my long overdue paycheck from corporate America?)

This coming week I am very focused on my two final papers. I need to write a sermon based on Mark 1:9-13 - the baptism and appearance of the Holy Spirit. Inspiration/ ideas for a UU spin are more than welcome.

Cute note of the day. Jude said, "Tell me something funny. I appreciate a good joke!"

SLD Assembly

I am attending my first district assembly! There was a relative who's who of ministers from the area, which was fun to see. My colleague and friend, Rev. Kelly Weisman Asprooth-Jackson gave a response to the lecture on technology and ministry which I thought was brilliant.

Prior to the evening's events, I went out to dinner with two ministers and talked shop, which was excellent. Tomorrow will be two sessions - one on multiculturalism and one on technology. Then a business meeting and I'm serving as a delegate. So far, that means that I get to wear an extra badge on my name tag ;).

Off to bed - it's an early drive to Syracuse tomorrow. If anyone is going, look me up!

Update on Internship

I spoke to all the appropriate people and it seems like all will be well :::whew::::

I have been feeling like a Margaret Wise Brown story lately. Any guesses which one? And brittle to boot.

But finally am feeling centered again, and ready to finish this semester and move ahead.

Things have been running smoothly at home lately too, which helps. Onward!

Form, Formative, Former

My year long internship at my community site is drawing to a close. I am already grieving and plotting ways to stay on as a relief worker, though I don't know when I would possibly have time.

I have come to love so many of the teens I've met and talked with; they return over and over because their needs are often not met right away because of our bizarre system that seems to fail kids over and over despite the best of intentions. One of my favorite kids was sent back home this week. It is breaking my heart. I really wish I could bring him home with me for the rest of his high school years. He has touched me and my life so deeply. I am afraid I will never find out if he succeeds in finding a better life before he becomes jaded and chooses worse coping skills. Last week he was practically sitting on my lap, needing love and a mama, even though he's bigger than me and pretends to be a tough guy.

Another of my favorite teens is back this week. It seems like things are moving in the right direction, but who really knows? I would bring him home with me in a heartbeat too. He would drive me crazy but I would love him anyway. What's different about that than my own kids?

I talked to a beautiful young woman who wants to be a doctor, but who will be lucky to finish high school at this point. She has a lot of challenges ahead of her. Her baby daddy isn't interested and her mama chose a man over her.

I am so in love with this work, with the staff, the kids, everything. I will be lost without "my" kids. I have tried not to get too attached, but my heart tricked me in the end. I am broken up about leaving.

I know CPE is next, and then internship at church - those will fill me up and teach me and form me in other ways. but I will will always carry these other people's babies with me. I have nothing but hope and love for them.

Still Healing

I think the best piece of advice I got from all of this RSCC stuff is from my friend Amy, who took the time out of her own current struggles to remind me that it's about the call, and the rest is just work to be done.

That, and the humor, love, prayers, and support of friends, family and colleagues has been amazing. Now that I am over the "shame" of being postponed for candidacy, I have found many other brilliant seminarians who have had a similar experience, with similar questions, and I feel lifted up by our shared journeys.

I continue to process, pray, and move ahead. I met with a psychodynamic therapist last week and we got along fine. I have an appointment with a financial planner in May, and it looks like my job is secure for the rest of this year, which is good news financially, as I am taking a hit someplace else.

After a period of pulling back, I am re-engaging with email, phone conversations, church, and friendship. My facilitation work at church has truly been a lifesaver for me, as have my classmates who have reached out over and over to make sure to connect and offer love. One of the questions in my RSCC interview was "what have you given up?" in this journey that is all-encompassing. I realized that the main thing is time with friends. Time to have coffee and talk about kids, and homeschooling and husbands and gossip. I am meeting one of my best friends in a few minutes and I can't wait! It has been months since we got together and that is a loss.

Our new puppy is doing well; still having an accident or two each day, but she is snuggly and sweet and great with the kids. I'm adjusting to very early walks that are necessitated by her tiny bladder, and to sharing my bed with a tiny creature who cries if left behind. She takes up less room than the kids do though!

My hand is healing slowly. I have a lot more mobility today for the first time but am struggling with some scarring that is limiting. It is wonderful to shower without a plastic bag though!!

I am getting ready to delve into the final month of this academic year. I have two final projects to do, and a learning plan to present to the board of directors at my proposed internship site on the 27th. I am attending the SLD conference next weekend which should be excellent. I am also serving as a delegate for my church.

The flowers are blooming, I'm getting an itch to start my garden, and I am looking forward to my two weeks off in May to spring clean and rest before CPE. I am dreading being away from the kids full time but am holding on to the idea that next summer will be quieter, with perhaps a couple of weeks in Chicago.

Back to Galatians and Philomen!

Authenticity

It's been duly noted that I've been absent from my regular journaling for awhile. Perhaps not writing, but certainly not mentally absent. Just not really sure how authentic I should be, in an ironic twist.

The last 2 weeks have been a time of inner and external turmoil; probably some of the most frustrating and reflective days I've had in recent times, and that's saying a lot, considering that I do a lot of reflection!


Last Monday I met with the RSCC, who determine whether I get the go-ahead to the next step - from ministry aspirant to candidate.The upshot is that they postponed my candidacy for a year, which was very disappointing. Two main issues that stand out for me are:

1. I was not perceived as being authentic until near the end of the 30 minute interview, at which point they saw the person they were looking for. I was trying to portray the professional and capable side of myself during the questioning, which was intensely personal, and at times felt invasive. It is ironic because this was my first real interaction with the professional side of the denomination, and at the end of the day, I did not feel supported in my journey to ministry. Even though there was no indication that the committee felt the need to deny me candidacy, but just to postpone it, I left that building not knowing who the heck they saw, if not me. I have been given strong recommendations, excelled in academics, and pushed myself to take on leadership opportunities. Somehow, that group of people saw someone else that was not well represented by the paperwork they reviewed.

Unfortunately, my career assessment paperwork took 4+ months to be processed, not giving me enough time to comment on it before I had to approve it due to the deadline for paperwork. The very thing that concerned them is the very thing that I would have asked the center to edit had I had time. My relationship with my mother continues to haunt me, though it no longer defines me, just informs who I am.

The ironic part is that I now find myself feeling less able to be vulnerable, and am not even sure that this is the right path to be on. That is not what the committee said, but how I feel. Once I work through my Kubler-Ross stages of grief, I"m sure I'll make lemonade out of lemons.

2. My finances were a huge issue, which I was blindsided by. And the upshot is that I left there angry that the very denomination that is talking the talk of economic, gender, racial, etc. diversity does not seem to be walking the walk. Postponing my candidacy will cost me thousands of dollars in grants and scholarships that are not available to me this year as an aspirant. I will also be held back a year and may not be able to get into the MFC in my final year of school. That will cost me a year of job searching. There didn't seem to be any recognition of this fact, or even forethought, that some of the recommendations they made, and the postponement will put me in a longer term, more precarious financial situation. I feel quite personally hurt by this, in terms of the faith I have put into our denomination spiritually, and also have some crushed idealism about whether we are capable of changing.

Regardless, the recommendations - CPE, counseling, financial planning, etc., are all good things that will help my ministerial formation; however, I could have done all the same things as a candidate, and have ended up in better financial shape at the end of the whole process. I already have an appointment with a new therapist, and a financial planner. I'm a can-do kind of gal.

I wasn't sure how transparent to be about all of this but you know, it seems like a good idea. I'm not perfect, and feedback is good, even if I don't agree all of it. Maybe another example of my ambivalence toward authority, but it's something I have to deal with, and they are good people who want to make good ministers. Nobody I've talked to really seems to be able to understand it, so maybe I just had a bad interview. The next one will be better. Though I have no idea when or how to set that up, since the whole system is changing in about 6 weeks. :::sigh:::

 The interview came on the tail end of two of the worst migraines I have ever had, one of which I drove to Boston with. My physical health has been an issue lately. After that difficult experience, I had to have extensive hand surgery a few days later, which has kept me mostly off the computer except for school and work. I still have a mid-term in process that is a week overdue and spring chores are calling my name. I am in a cast and already ripped half the stitches out of my finger, and am not dealing well with the whole healing process.

I saw the doctor (again) about the migraines and am on a new daily medication plus an acute migraine med. I spent 3 days after my surgery intentionally allowing myself to mope and rest. I watched a lot of 24. I did a lot of nothing and I am better for it, but now I'm ready to move on and my hand won't let me. I'm still having a lot of post-op bruising, swelling and pain (despite my attempts to do very little), and I'm out of patience. I have to wear this cast for another week.

My dad, who I am guardian for, has been having increasing health issues, and I am getting several calls a week from the nursing home lately. I'm trying to finish this semester, prepare for 11 weeks of full time CPE starting June 1, and be present and available to jumpstart my fall internship, should it be approved next month.

In the midst of all this, my independent contract job is causing me additional headaches. I was hired in January and have not yet gotten paid. Legal is holding everything up with contracts, but my bills aren't getting paid, and I just found out I am looking at a $300/month shortfall in another area. I feel utterly defeated tonight. we are already stretched so thin that I can't really imagine how to make that work and I already anticipate all the fun pushback I will get from my older kids about sacrificing more. They may say they understand, but that doesn't mean that I won't pay the price for it in other ways both intentional and not.

So, that's where I've been. I'm tired, and depressed, and not feeling very good about my path, my body, or my ability to function like a responsible grown-up today. I know it will all work out, but man, I am really tired.

So I want to write, I want to connect, but my soul needs to hibernate. Catch up. Rest. And there's just no time for that. I try to be pretty PollyAnna, but I'm feeling like it's OK to feel like crap right now. Everyone will just have to put up with me for a couple of weeks . 

That said, I have a lot of people in my thoughts and prayers. Breathe in peace. Breathe out love. I am grateful for spring days, fresh eggs, smiling children, a loving husband, and a comfy bed.