Sunday, October 5, 2008

Losing my serenity

The day started out nicely, other than that I had to take the baby on my morning walk. Husband started a second job every other weekend and works from 5 p.m. to 2 am. This has been the first weekend and everything was pretty much OK until the last 30 minutes since my son got up and has been a first class grouchy four-year-old. He's arguing with me, the dog, and the baby, woke his dad up because he didn't get what he wanted from me, and I still have to get them ready for church and leave in an hour.

I already hate this second job, and it won't really help that much financially, but it's definitely giving my husband something he needs, that he hasn't had since we got married - time with his friends, and music. Community. So he has this job much for the reason I started working at the RE assistant at church last year - a chance to have a life outside family, to do something I enjoyed, and to build my community. So I need to support that...but boy it's hard ;).

Lovely walk this morning though. The trees seem to be turning color more quickly every day, and it was a real art show this morning. Mist rising up off the canal, asters blooming, trees every color imaginable, the sun rising over the (small) hill.

Lucy enjoyed the walk too. We bundle up and when she got restive, I handed her a black walnut, which fascinated her for awhile. She was quiet and reflective for 95% of the walk as well, so maybe she enjoys the quiet solitude as much as I do. It's all blown to hell now that J. is awake and screaming, but I'm sure I'll get my groove back. I bet he's as out of sorts about his dad being away at work all weekend as I am.

Anyway, I had a little insight this morning; nothing new or original, but just a reminder. I saw a newly broken branch on the road, and thought, "I wonder what happened to that? Did a squirrel break it? The wind? Wouldn't it be neat to be a fly on the wall of life and know the details sometimes?"

Yes, and that's why it's important to not make assumptions about others' intentions, or to think one knows what's going on when one wasn't present for history in the making. So much of life happens behind the scenes, and none of us is God (in the sense of being all-knowing). What we know is such a small part of the truth - and it's only our truth that we bring to the situation. One small branch was a reminder for me to keep working on non-judgment, to ask open questions, not to assume, not to try to fix. To listen and learn and speak from my own truth and experience. Something that I'll get to keep practicing every day, and hopefully learn better tools for doing at Wellspring.

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