Monday, August 18, 2008


I have been dealing with some family and community drama, and hard as I try, am finding it difficult to consistently use good reflective listening skills and "I statements." I am finding it hard to speak passionately about something without feeling like I'm browbeating the other person into submission. It's especially hard when I feel that I'm being misunderstood and judged unfairly.

I'm out of patience with people who are lacking in communication skills, and on the flip side,with those who want to communicate an issue to death, and then beyond.

And we're struggling again with money; I think I will need to start freelancing again or something, just to dig out of this hole, and the idea just exhausts me. I only have 3 weeks till school starts again, and I won't have any additional time for anything at that point. I may have to tell the kids that we won't be able to attend some activities, because I can't even put gas in the car to drive back and forth; I had to put groceries on the credit card this week. So I'm sure that all that worry and stress is making these communications even more difficult.

This is something that is a roadblock for me; doing too much, caring so much that I lay awake at night crafting careful, loving responses, and then doing it imperfectly after all. Learning to love the humanity in myself, and to take care of myself, while at the same time attending to those who need me and depend on me - both family and community.

My life seems to be such a balancing act between struggling for survival (as many do) and doing it gracefully and being grateful for all the good things that I have. Feeling called to the ministry but not sure how I will pay for school, and the career assessment, and travel. The call, the transformation, has brought so much joy to me that gets stronger every day, but also worry about more sacrifice, more debt...but but but... the opportunity to grow and being an intentionally positive force in the world.

Balance, balance, balance.

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